To teach you to detect red flags I am going to take you through my past toxic relationship. To begin we need to take a trip back in time to my sophomore year, to the first day of my Poli Sci 100 class. I walk in, our eyes meet, he’s in uniform *swoon* (GAG!) and, like in all the romcoms, this is where my crush begins. Fast forward a couple weeks and here we are having lunch getting to know each other. In the midst of our conversation I mention having to leave soon to pick up my kiddies and his eyes go BIG. I hastily elaborate and say I am a nanny and I pick them up at the bus stop almost every day and I laugh and say there’s no way I could possibly even have a kid since I’m abstinent. At this moment a very interesting expression crosses over his face that later that day I ask him about it. In this conversation, he says he’s not sure he can handle that in a relationship and isn’t sure he wants to continue whatever this is. This is red flag number one. Yes, I understand that being abstinent is not for everyone, however, judging someone for this commitment is not okay, making a huge deal about it (this discussion lasted over a week) is also not okay. If being in a relationship with someone who does not want to have sex until marriage is a no go for you then just say that, end things and move on. Don’t make the person feel bad and feel like they are doing something wrong.
Now let’s move forward about a month give or take. I think things are going great and I am pretty happy. However, apparently, he did not feel the same way and out of the blue I got dumped, via text. I am told I am ruining his career (how?) and after speaking with his mom- woah, woah, woah, hold up. His mom? Red flag number two! If you are having issues in your relationship, the person you should be talking to is your partner, not your mother. How can issues be resolved when you are not even talking to the person that the issue is with? This leads to red flag number three. At the beginning of our relationship, I was thrilled because I thought I finally found a guy that if he said something that hurt me or something was bugging me or rubbing me the wrong I could say something and then things would be fixed and we could move on, and that was the case but only for the first couple weeks. Then when I would say “hey, when you made plans with me and then forgot about them, it kind of hurts and makes me feel like you don’t really care about setting time aside to do things together.” He would fix things and try harder not to do it again. But then after those lovely weeks or months, he would instead respond with “I’m a busy person” or “why do you have to make things so hard and be difficult.” Which hurt and ended up making me feel like I actually was doing something wrong and made me question whether I was asking for too much. But ladies I was not, and neither are you! That is asking for the bare minimum. Communication and compromise are the essences of a HEALTHY relationship.
For our last red flag, we need to remember the first one I mentioned about his reaction to me wanting to be abstinent. Throughout our maybe 3-month relationship, every time we’d see each other, or I spent the night he would push my physical boundary more and more. I would say no and push him away however, every time I did, he would make me feel (again) like I was the one in the wrong. Saying things like “don’t you trust me” and “but I love you” which is also another red flag since he would only say he “loved” me in the midst of being physical. He would then throw himself a pity party and act as if I were saying he was this awful person when all I was saying was that I didn’t want to go this far. In a relationship, there are two people. The desires and wishes of one person should not be the only thing that matters especially when it comes to physical boundaries.
Being able to detect red flags is important so you don’t end up staying in a draining toxic relationship that turns you into a person you do not want to be and can no longer recognize in the mirror. I know that I kept things light and joked around a bit, however, it is also important to know that emotional abuse is a thing and it is just as real and damaging as physical abuse. You need to be selfish in a way that protects yourself and puts your mental health first, because you are important, your desires and wishes are important, and they mean just as much as anyone else’s.