“Choose Where Your Energy Goes.” My mom sent me a bracelet that has this engraved in it a few years ago, right when I was going through an extremely rough patch. I’ve been going through quite a bit of change lately and have plenty of it to come in the near future (hint hint), and this has been something that has really stuck with me recently. I’ve found myself wearing this bracelet almost every day to remind me whenever I look down at it. I’ve spent nearly the past two years undeniably struggling with where I put my energy, or who I was giving it to. I was spreading my emotional threshold way too thin for way too many people that were not reciprocating my efforts. I was constantly feeling like I was falling short in friendships, relationships, and life. I felt like I simply wasn’t enough. What I didn’t realize, is that giving too much of yourself to other people doesn’t prove your worth to them. It doesn’t prove anything, at all, other than the fact that you place more value on what they think of you than how you think of yourself.
“You disrespect yourself everytime you say yes when you want to say no. You call it loyalty/love/friendship. Really you’re just hoping someone will see how amazing you are and choose you. It shouldn’t work that way. Choose yourself. That’s how you teach them. By choosing you.”
– Unknown
This is something that I’ve had to re-teach myself. It’s like, I didn’t grow up placing my self-worth around other people. It’s something I subconsciously learned and instilled in myself. I grew up doing things that fulfilled me, and they were things I chose to do for myself. But over time, I stopped doing a lot of things independently that brought me joy, because I willingly chose to put my time into friendships, relationships, etc. That was a conscious decision on my part, but it was also unconsciously instilling in me that if I was choosing people over things that I knew made me happy, that these people should either 1) bring me even more happiness and/or 2) they should value me for choosing them. How bogus does that sound?
I think everyone goes through confusing transitional periods in life, not just once, many times, where you struggle with balancing everything around you. It’s different for everyone. Some people master it right off the bat, some people struggle with it (cough, me). I definitely got it down a couple of times, but also fumbled with it just as many. One day it just clicked for me how unhappy I was with what and who I was choosing to revolve my life around, and I started to take a step back from doing the things and surrounding myself with people that drained me of my energy. Not only did that = me realizing who my real friends were, but it also gave me so much more free time to do the things that I love. At first this just gave me flat out anxiety, because I felt like I had just lost people around me that I had thought to be close friends. But then, I realized how peaceful I felt. Having a lot of time to myself was no longer synonymous with not being good enough. It was me being careful with who I chose to surround myself with. I started going back to spin (only my favorite thing ever that I stopped doing when life got hectic), spent more time being active and providing enrichment for my dog, had more time to cook nourishing meals for myself, and also went in search of like-minded people, which is how I found Her Campus x UT and began writing again.
This isn’t the first time I’ve struggled with this, but it has certainly been the most impactful. I’ve learned more about myself in the past year than ever before, and it didn’t truly click until recently just how lucky I am that it all happened. I believe people come into your life for a reason, I believe things happen for a reason, and I believe that life is too precious to waste it feeling stuck. I felt stuck, so I made a change. And just one small change a few months ago became a domino effect for the rest of my life, so much so that I made pretty big life-changing decisions recently because of it.
And to make it clear, none of this is to bash anyone, and this isn’t about anyone specific. It’s about me. I am truly grateful for the people and experiences that have been a part of my life for the past few years. I’ve had some of the greatest memories with some people that I probably won’t ever choose to have back in my life. I’ve experienced some of my favorite moments in a place that shaped me into the person I am today. But I think that’s a beautiful thing, being able to reflect back on people, places, and experiences with fondness and appreciation, rather than bitterness and regret. I’m incredibly proud of myself for finally putting myself first again and making decisions that are best for me, without being influenced by other things/people/circumstances that don’t have my best interests at heart. It didn’t happen overnight, it took months (almost two years to be exact) to be at a place where I can look back on the things that have happened, and the people I have encountered, and not feel bitter. I forgave. Not for them, but for me.