Mayfest is upon us, bringing some of the latest, greatest musical guests that mainstream music has to offer. University Union has done another amazing job, surprising us with The Chainsmokers, the duo responsible for every sorority girl’s favorite jam and including a ‘Cuse alumni. Of course, with each golden day, a Debbie-Downer finds a way to put a damper on the fun. If you find yourself on the corner of Walnut with some drunks, half-eaten corndogs and a suspiciously sober student condescendingly eyeing up their surroundings, beware. Most likely, you’re stuck next to a Mayfest Snob. Our bravest sources recently approached the Mayfest Snob at Kubal and acquired snotty responses to the questions that could save you next weekend.
What are you most looking forward to next weekend?
Critiquing UU’s spotify playlist. It’s not that it’s unoriginal, it’s just that…. well, it’s just that.
Oh, so are you going to Block Party?
Please, the tickets were selling at the crack of dawn, 10 a.m. My radio show, which is mostly easy digesting for hungry ears, ends around 7 a.m. then I sleep until the ghost of Howard Stern wakes me. I consider him dead since selling out to America’s Got Talent. Obviously, after I’m done my post radio show REM cycle, I’m off to Funk N’ Waffles to scoff and motionlessly vomit at the acts.
Ah. Well, do you have any recommendations for a pre-Block Party playlist?
Every morning from 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. Listen in. I’m not gonna just give away my genius. Gah.
Hm. Okay, well this has been great, but I think we bette—
SHHH! Can you be quiet for forever now. Do you even know what song this is?
Um…. Wonderwall?—
SHHHHUH!
At this point, the Mayfest Snob continued to grimace out of enjoyment and peruse pamphlets from local non-profits to absorb power from the guilt of surrounding customers.