As I have been learning about domestic violence in my Gender-Based Violence class, I have considered the difficulties of being in a toxic relationship. It makes me think about the times that I have spoken to friends about their experiences. I have sent the same phrase to people, and I have heard this from others. It is a phrase that can be hard for people to hear because it is left with no other explanation. It is: “You deserve better.”
I send it automatically during the times when my friends tell me about situations with a toxic partner or any other toxic relationships they find themselves in whether it is a friendship or with family. As I say this, I always mention that we are still young. The relationships we find ourselves in does not have to be the ones we spend the rest of our lives in. We should not have to stay in a situation that makes us unhappy. Of course, I consider what I say based on a case-by-case situation. Sometimes, it is not something that I can properly help with as I will acknowledge with my friends. However, I hope that my words can help them consider what they deserve.
In any healthy relationship, we know that safety is important. We cannot stay with someone who is physically, emotionally, and/or mentally harming us. I understand that it might be hard to leave a situation like that because it could potentially escalate, or you might not realize what is happening. But you do not deserve to be physically harmed by anyone. You do not deserve it at all.
But how do we know if someone is emotionally hurting us? In a healthy relationship, we do not purposely insult each other. I know that people do it in a jokingly manner, which is something that makes the lines blur even further. However, if you are being put down constantly, then remember that a healthy relationship does not make you feel bad about yourself. It is one thing to help your partner, friend, or family member grow, but it is not okay in any circumstance to hurt their self-esteem. Honest feedback is great, but there is a proper way to do it. At my camp, we give and receive honest feedback by acknowledging someone’s strengths but also adding an area where they can improve.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that can happen in toxic relationships. It is when a person creates doubt within the other person in order to revert the situation to them. This could lead to the victim questioning themselves and their judgment.
These are just some examples, and there are more signs of a toxic relationship than this. However, it is always important to remember what is part of a healthy relationship. There is healthy communication. You are able to talk with this person about your concerns without them making you feel bad on purpose. Transparency and honesty can go with this because you should be able to voice your thoughts, and they should be able to do the same. You can build a healthy foundation for trust because you know this person will respect your boundaries. Boundaries are super important because they involve our comfort level. While there can be an encouragement to go outside our comfort level, you should not be forced to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. A healthy relationship helps you experience growth somehow. You are helping each other grow into a better version of yourself. There is give and take within a relationship, and it should balance each other out. It is not healthy if you are in a relationship where you feel your energy is always taken away by the other person.
As this month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I hope that everyone is doing what they can to maintain healthy relationships with the people around them. This could be a call to action if you notice unhealthy signs within your relationships or within the relationships of others. If anything, you are not alone. There are resources that can help. Stay safe because you deserve better than to stay in an unhealthy environment.