To the person who took everything from me:
Hi. I bet you never thought you would hear from me again, and frankly, I didn’t expect to be writing this for you. Allow me to make one thing clear. This is addressed to you, but it’s not for you. This is for me. On that late Thursday night when I was beyond the ability to consent to anything logically, you took advantage of me. Without any decision-altering substance in your system, you took advantage. You took away something from me that I will never be able to get back. You took everything from me. Let’s rewind to before I questioned my will to live, my worth, my looks, my dignity, my stability, my ability to love again, and last of all, my security.
When we first had sex, I remember it hurting. At first, you weren’t aggressive, but then things changed. You got aggressive.
I don’t know if you genuinely realized that you were pressuring me. When you asked to not use condoms and I denied it, you continued to push for it by saying, “No babe, it’ll be okay,” but it wasn’t okay and I wasn’t your babe. That night I started drinking and the next thing I knew I was eight shots in and peeing in a bush behind a gas station. I can’t remember anything else that happened that night. I don’t remember walking home. I don’t remember calling you. I don’t remember crying to my friends. I don’t remember kissing. I don’t remember taking off my shirt. I don’t remember taking off my bra. I don’t remember taking off my pants. I don’t remember taking off my underwear. I don’t remember you taking off your pants. And I don’t remember fucking. I don’t remember a condom. I don’t remember consenting. I just don’t remember. My body was not prepared that night. I can’t remember if I was conscious or unconscious and I think that is what hurts the most.
Guilt is an awful thing and it made me blame myself. Maybe I did take too many shots, and maybe I shouldn’t have gone out. I blamed myself when I should’ve blamed you. For being sober, for being a CA, and for still taking advantage of me. I don’t deserve what you did to me. For months you haunted me, making me question if I could ever find someone who could love me. The broken me with the messed up mind that you created. For months I had no motivation, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I was numb. I don’t know if you will ever understand the constant anxiety I have about accidentally running into you on campus every day.
You took so much from me, but I have forgiven myself and that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. I have found myself throughout this journey, and I have found that I am not interested in boys. I am going to emphasize boys because you are not a man, you’ll never be a man, especially not after what you did. Months ago you left a person questioning everything that they thought about themselves, I’ve grown. I’ve discovered who I am. I have healed through another loving relationship. I have forgiven myself, and you. With time my wounds will completely heal. If this letter reaches you, just know that you might have traumatized me, but with every passing day, I grow stronger than you could ever be.
“I didn’t think you were that drunk” is not a valid excuse, but it’s the only one I ever received. If you ever think someone is even slightly intoxicated you should not take anything they say as consent. My issue now isn’t me. I’m worried about the next girl. I want to prevent what happened to me from ever happening to someone else. I want to save her from the self-hate and blame and all of the pain that you’ve caused.
And to the girl that you might end up with: Do not let his smooth words coax you into something that you do not want to do. Do not let him decide if you are ready for something. Only you know what your body is capable of.
Sincerely,
Someone who is better off without you