The Best Conspiracy Theories From my Mom

I’m not sure if conspiracy theories still hold the mystery and disbelief sprinkled with a little belief like they once did, but since my mom is constantly telling me about different theories she may or may not subscribe to, I decided to highlight some of the best.

1. The moon is fake

Yes, you read that correctly. My mom has left behind the basic theory that the moon landing was fake (at this point, that’s a fact), and instead has been wondering whether or not the moon itself is real. This theory has some weird potential behind it. For one, NASA has confirmed that the moon vibrates (dings) when something comes in contact with it. Second, it doesn’t spin. Everything in the universe spins as it moves through space, but not the moon. This calls into question what might be on the other side of the moon-disk. I suggested that the dark side of the moon is actually concave and there’s a civilization living there.

2. The Earth is flat

Actually, this one annoys me more than anything, because at this point in time it’s basically unprovable. Apparently, NASA isn’t sending anyone into space anymore, and any satellite images could easily be faked. The only way to actually prove that the Earth is flat is to travel to the edge yourself. My mom says that Antarctica is actually the border and it extends around the whole disk. And apparently, if you go too close to Antarctica, they shoot you, so... it seems legit.

3. The government is hiding everything

This one isn’t a theory, and if you think it is, then you’re wrong.

4. The government is shrinking the population

GMOs, fluoride, and vaccines (according to my mom, I only partially believe this one) are being used to control the population. GMOs can give you cancer and mess up your reproductive organs, fluoride dumbs you down and kills off the essential parts of your brain (or something, I didn’t really listen to this one), and vaccines kill people. Yeah, she’s an anti-vaxxer. The fluoride thing is legit though, it’s poisonous. That’s why if you swallow toothpaste, you’re supposed to call poison control; fluoride really f*cks up your brain and turns you into sheeple.

If this hasn’t lowered your standards for humanity, then I don’t know what will. I’ve just accepted that whether or not any of these are true, we’re all gonna die anyway. Might as well build your own rocket ship to see whether or not the moon is real.