There are many factors inherent to relationships that result in their complexity: jealousy felt, trust earned, time spent together, affection shown, patience demonstrated, and emphasis placed on communication of feelings and insecurities. Just these things, when mishandled or unbalanced, can create tension between two people that is great enough to dissolve a relationship and induce heartbreak. Adding long distance to the mix may seem like a recipe for disaster, and, often, it is. Anyone who has been in or known people attending college can attest that the vast majority of long-distance relationships do not survive very long after one or both of the significant others move away. There are, however, those few who do last through the physical separation and maintain an emotional closeness that preserves the romance.
As someone who has been in an LDR for about eight months, I can confirm that it is definitely not without its challenges. I am across the country from my boyfriend, which is difficult not only because I miss him, but because it makes interaction so difficult. We FaceTime every chance we get, but since we aren’t in each other’s immediate vicinity, it’s pretty much impossible to include each other in daily plans and events. Nightly FaceTime usually isn’t plausible between two people juggling friends, school work, clubs, volunteering, family obligations, and career aspirations. All of this paints a fairly grey picture of LDRs.
So what are the keys to maintaining the affection that prompted you to decide to brave the perils of long distance in the first place?
In a word: communication. It all boils down to which information you choose to relay, the details you decide to include, and the tone in which you say what you have to say. This is true in all relationships, but especially in LDRs, when interaction is extremely limited to texts, Snapchat, and the occasional phone call or Facetime session. Of course, I can’t speak for everyone out there who is in or has been a part of a successful long distance romance; however, for me, and for my best friend who is still dating her high school boyfriend after almost three years of attending different colleges, the reality remains it is best to tell your significant other everything – or at least everything important and within reason.
While it is extremely easy to become complacent with information sharing while your significant other is not directly in front of you, it becomes no less important to keep an open line of communication when you are on opposite coasts. This is not to say that your SO needs to know your exact activities and precise location at every time of every day, because that is a bit excessive, and, frankly, limits your ability to live your own life. You should in no way feel compelled to explain your every move and thought to your SO, or give them a laundry list of your every activity each day, at the risk of feeling like you are being watched and judged. Rather, I mean to say that it there should not be anything you do that you feel you need to keep to yourself; if there is, this is a red flag. In other words, secrets are not great, especially in a relationship that must, by its nature, rely so heavily on complete trust.
Equally as important as that which you choose to share with your SO is how you convey your messages. It is incredibly easy to send a well-meaning text that may be misinterpreted, which can cause hurt feelings and brew trouble between the members of a happy couple. This is especially dangerous in relationships where texting, as limited as a form of communication as it may be, is the main way in which significant others talk to each other. This is why, I have found, it helps a lot to use a primarily affectionate tone when texting my boyfriend; we use cute pet names and convey love, even when we may be discussing a problem in our relationship or the subject of a disagreement. Texting can feel so impersonal, and it is very easy to misinterpret a message or word something poorly and hurt your SO’s feelings.
In addition, rather than allowing ourselves to become frustrated with the limitations of texting, if there is a problem, we “save it for FaceTime”, another limited medium of communication, but the best we have under the present circumstances of physical separation. In the same vein, an LDR requires patience and understanding especially with regard to communication. In general, if a text I receive from my SO strikes me as odd, rude, or uncharacteristic in any way, I try to ask or wait for an explanation or clarification before becoming angry or upset.
Challenges are abundant in long distance relationships; there is no doubt about that. However, a silver lining to what might seem like a daunting or bleak situation is the increased appreciation of being with each other when the physical separation ends, either permanently or for a short time. In addition, I am a firm believer that an LDR is an excellent test of a relationship’s strength. A couple may either grow to appreciate and love each other more, or may decide that the strain is too great and call it quits. It is ultimately always best to follow your heart and do what makes YOU happy. Whatever the case may be, I am of the mind that the risk is worth the reward, and I wish all couples considering an LDR as much luck as I have had.