If you have not already lost someone close to you, you probably know someone who has. Death is a universal life event, but interestingly enough no one ever wants to talk about it or seems to know how to handle it once it happens. Unfortunately, this leaves those who are in mourning in a depressing situation in which they are surrounded by people who want to help, but just don’t know how. With the help of an amazingly informative psychology of health course and from my own personal experience, I have made a list of things you can keep in mind while helping a friend a through the grieving process.
Don’t put a time limit on grief. Grief does not come with an expiration date. Don’t try to rush a person’s process by telling them things like ‘it’s time to move on.’ Let them figure things out at the pace they are comfortable with.
Know not every person grieves the same way. I would guess most people are familiar with the Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief. If you’re not familiar, the model breaks down the process of grief into five neat little stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Know that despite the facts that models and stagings of grief are out there, it doesn’t mean that people have to follow them or that those who don’t aren’t grieving properly. Some people don’t feel sadness, some people won’t cry. Grieving is a personal process that shouldn’t be confined to five steps.
Don’t use cliched sayings that trivialize their loss. “These things happenn,” “She/He is in a better place now,” “She/he led a full life.” Speak from your heart, not from a cheesy card you find in a pharmacy.
Let them talk about their feelings. Even if it makes you uncomfortable, be the friend that creates a warm and accepting environment in which the mourner can talk about their feelings and memories whether they be happy or sad.
Offer them REAL support. Don’t just tell them you’re there for them. Offer real, tangible support. Offer to cook them dinner, do their laundry, take their notes for them or watch their kids. Give them something real to work with.
Maintain regular contact. Don’t just go to the funeral, think you’re job is done and disappear. Send them a text, call them, drop by their house or even write them a letter. Knowing people haven’t forgotten you helps tremendously.
And here are some tips if you yourself are experiencing a loss.
Don’t play the blame game. Know death is a blameless process that will happen to all of us. Blaming the deceased, others or yourself will only make the situation harder to cope with and damage the relationships you have with the people still here.
Grieve they way you want to grieve. Take your time. Grieve in ways that help you, not that help others or that are written in books and online.
Know most people wont understand what you’re going through. For most people, death is a scary and uncomfortable thing and unless someone has experienced a loss they probably won’t really have a clue how to help you. Know the people in your life want to help you, it’s just they don’t know how.
Spend time with people who are going through the same situation as you. Spend some time with others who have lost someone. They will be able to provide you with a kindred emotional support those who haven’t lost someone won’t be be able to.
Don’t forget about you. It’s easy to lose yourself in grief. Remember that you’re still here and there’s a life you need to be living. Know the person you lost would want you to live your life to fullest and doing just that could be the greatest memorial to the departed you could ever give them.