In honor of mental health awareness week at Stonehill, I figured I would share the story on how therapy saved my life. Since high school I have been a mess, constantly being rejected and dumped by boys while constantly having my “friends” stab me in the back. It was like a reoccurring cycle happening over and over again. As soon as I would find happiness it would immediately be crushed with the blink of an eye and without any warning. This constant occurrences but a strain on my life and made me gain the label as a crazy girl. It wasn’t that I was crazy that all, but rather I was suffering from a mental illness that caused my behaviors to be unusual.
I always had to have a boy in my life. I was dependent on them for happiness and didn’t even care what they looked like or their personality but if they found some interest in me then I clung to them because in at that moment I was happy and felt fulfilled once again. Yeah, the cycle would repeat itself and they would either dump me for my friends or cheat on me. Then per usual Id find someone else and it would happen all over again. I wasn’t looking for boys I liked, or boys I would want to have a future with. Instead, I was desperate for someone to make me happy because I was not able to make myself happy.
My eyes were open this summer when I realized that I have been struggling with depression for the past 8 years. I was having recurrent episodes that would be cured by a boys attention. This summer I was convinced I had found the ONE. And when I say I was the happiest I’ve ever been I meant it. This, of course, came crashing to an end when I was simply told the most horrible 4 words: “you aren’t good enough.” And yes as you can expect my life went crumbling into pieces after this. I did not get out of bed or eat for days, I was extremely rude to my family and wanted nothing to do with my friends. I was lost in a hole that I could not get out of. Finally, I made the decision it was time to seek help. I’ve known something was wrong for a while but it was time to put that realization into a reality.
My first therapy session was the best thing that ever happened to me. My therapist explained that yes I was suffering from depression and that I am not happy with myself so therefore seek happiness within others. I was also explained that my summer fling was simply not the one. It was a rebound from being previously hurt and I was so happy with him because he took my recent pain and sorrow away. In therapy, I focused on the good things in my life and my future. I made of list of the qualities I want in a partner, and let me just say out of the boys I’ve been with not one matched the list. I also practiced mindfulness meditation which I HIGHLY recommend. I found myself in therapy and was able to catch my breath once again. I gained a new perspective on life and now know what I want and need in humans that enter my life. I have no desire to depend on anyone, especially not a boy. I am happy with myself and with my life and have a clear path of the future ahead of me.
Therapy taught me that it is ok to not be ok. It also taught me that unlike what other college girls say, you DO NOT need a boy in your life. In fact, its the last thing you need. I was so consumed in it all that I forgot to live the best years of my life and wish that the time I am having right now could be relived the past years. It is time to end the stigma of therapy. Everyone should go, even if you are ok. It’s helpful to get all your feelings out in the air and it may cause you to come to realizations about your current or past life that you never thought of. I can’t thank therapy enough for saving me and making me happy once again. Its been a tough 8 years of ups and downs. I know I will always struggle with depression but I am so happy right now to finally be free.
end the stigma (: