At the beginning of the year, I bumped into two girls who lived in the same hallway as I did during my freshman year. The two of them surprised me when they told me they have kept up with reading my Her Campus articles over the past few years. After talking to them for a little bit, they told me, “We’re rooting for you!”
All I could think was, “They are rooting for me?”
A few months later, I spoke to another girl who told me she reads my articles. At the end of our conversation, the same statement came up: “I’m rooting for you!”
The next morning, I called my mother and I told her that I was afraid that my writing was starting to sound like a charity case. I was half-joking and half not-so-much.
I started to question some things. What exactly were these girls rooting for? Was it for me to find love? Was it for my life to be a little less chaotic? Was it for me to just calm down?
Quite honestly, it could be all of the above.
Over the past few years, I have enjoyed writing about my college experience, particularly my friendships, failed romantic interests, and my path to becoming a teacher. I have shared so much of my life through my articles. Some people probably wonder why I would even choose to do that. I don’t have a good answer as to why I write articles about such personal things in my life, other than it just makes sense to me. My dad has always told me that when others “zig,” you should “zag.” I guess writing articles about some of my most vulnerable moments is my way of choosing to “zag” when others choose to build up their walls and present an image of a perfect life. The Erin I have presented in my writing has almost taken on a whole life of her own and to be honest, I wonder if she is cooler than I actually am.
One of my favorite writers, Glennon Doyle, wrote in her memoir Love Warrior, “Every girl must decide whether to be true to herself or true to the world. Every girl must decide whether to settle for adoration or fight for love.”
I believe every woman makes special contributions to the world that allow her to be true to herself, rather than the world. Over the past few years, my writing has become one of my efforts to remain true to myself.
The truth is, I would probably be liked by more people if I did not stand up for myself or did not speak up when I thought something was not right.
However, I’ve realized if I did not speak up, certain people would not have liked the real Erin, but rather a fraction of the Erin I am meant to be. I guess I have “fought for love” as Doyle puts it. By remaining true to myself – which is a fight in itself – I have formed strong friendships. The best part about these friendships is that they know the real me and they have chosen to stand by the real me.
I am truly lucky to have found friends who support me and always look to protect me, even during the moments when I do not realize that I need to be protected. Although we are all beginning new chapters of our lives, these friends will always have a special place in my life. In other words, I’ve found the “aunts” and “uncles” for my future children, which are titles my friends seem to take great pride in.
Since I am a little Pisces dreamer, the end of college has made me think about the many dreams I have for my future. I would love to write a book someday about my crazy little life. Sometimes I like to imagine the day I will walk into Barnes and Noble and see a book cover with my name on it. I’m not exactly sure where my writing fits into the literary world, but I know there must be a niche for it somewhere.
I also dream about what my career as a teacher will be like. Sometimes I imagine the day I will set up my first classroom. I want it to be a place of happiness and acceptance. I’ve been saving up books for my classroom library over the past few years, so Miss Sousa’s library is going to be GREAT. I also think about who my teacher friends will be. Every teacher seems to have a teacher bestie, right? I wonder who my bestie is going to be.
Maybe my next dream makes me old-fashioned, but whatever. While it is a long way down the road, I dream of being a mom and a wife. I wonder if I will live in Chelmsford forever or if I will end up somewhere else. I also think about the moments when I will be fetching orange slices from my trunk for my children’s t-ball games while in my glitter heels. Something tells me I will be granted a sweet but sassy daughter with red hair just for all the texts my mother has woken up to that start with “trouble in paradise.” I’ve decided if I end up having a daughter, I will bind my articles into a little book to leave with her when she is dropped off at college. It will be the survival guide I pass along to her. Whether it will actually help her survive college is uncertain, but it will certainly be a guide.
By writing for Her Campus, I have learned that when we are honest, we make connections with other people. As I’ve written about my life in a truthful way, I have formed bonds with people who I probably would never have crossed paths with had they not read one of my articles and sent me a message.
I’ve also learned that a beautiful life does not always look how we may have once thought it would. It seems as though we can be led into a trap making us think a beautiful life means that you always feel happy or that things always feel good. However, I think that a beautiful life is comprised of both the joyful and the painful moments. Although they hurt, the painful ones tend to be when we learn the most about ourselves. Over the past four years, I’ve laughed enough to extend my life by ten years, cried enough tears to fill O’Hara Pond, and danced to the point I’ve had to cut myself out of shoes. To me, that is what a beautiful life is, simply because it is human.
Sharing about my crazy, messy, and fun moments by writing for Her Campus over the last four years has brought me so much joy. It makes me sad to think that my time writing for Her Campus is ending and this is the last time I will ever publish something on this website. However, it is time for me to begin my next chapter.
About a week after graduation, I will begin my work as a teaching fellow at Endicott College. I will be earning my master’s in Special Education and working towards earning my teaching license to teach Special Education for grades 5-12. I will also be teaching in a local middle school as a part of my program. Miss Sousa has a busy year ahead of her, to say the least. The exciting part is that just a year from now, I will be Miss Erin Elizabeth Sousa, M.Ed.
Just like the girls, I am rooting for myself as I enter the next phase of my life. The Erin who is true to herself, rather than the world is powerful.
I have a feeling that my craziest, messiest, and most exciting moments are still yet to be written.