Over the last two years, I’ve written about all of my misadventures – most of them revolving around dating and how ridiculous and difficult it really is. There was my thirty-minute career on dating apps, that time my freshman year when I got rejected while sitting in the passenger seat and then had to take me and my embarrassment out of the car, and then overthrowing a toxic, manipulative man to finally say “I am free” – just to name a few. Quite a bit has happened over the last two years. However, I find myself now in a place of normalcy. Lately, I haven’t known what to write about. I couldn’t really find anything too juicy or exciting or tea-worthy happening in my life that I felt was “content worthy.” I wasn’t quite sure why this was the case. Then, I discovered that for once in my life, just about everything is in order. I have changed a lot over the past year, and I have to say that it’s for the better. I talked to my friend, Nick, about how I didn’t feel that I had anything exciting happening in my life that people would want to read about. He suggested that I just tell y’all what has changed, so here we go:
I no longer need attention from men in order to feel content.
When I look back at how I approached dating over the last two years, it was motivated by my need for attention. If someone of the male species volunteered to get coffee with me and talk to me for an hour, I ate that right up, no crumb on the plate. I LOVED IT. I would sit in that spotlight and enjoy the heck out of it. However, I’ve learned that when I am truly happy with who I am, receiving attention from men is not something I need to feel like I am attractive or desirable. I’ve spent so much of my life looking to other people who barely even know me to validate me and make me feel good about myself. That’s most certainly over now…and that’s on GROWTH.
I see that I have big dreams.
Over the past year, I have come to learn that I am a pretty powerful individual. I have the ability to do great things if I put my mind to them. Recently, I acknowledged that I have big dreams. I am beginning to realize that my time here at Stonehill will not last forever. Someday I will be rolling up to a Massachusetts high school because…here’s the kicker…it will be my workplace! Not that I want to rush any part of my life, but I am excited for that first time my heels will make that click-clack sound on the tile floor of a high school. I will earn my master’s degree within the next five years. I may want to earn a Ph.D. in education someday. Imagine Dr. Sousa? I want to write a book too. As of right now, I feel that my attention should be on working to make my dreams come true, rather than on a person who probably can’t even find the courage to ask for my phone number and just asks for my Snapchat instead. OOP! Sorry!
I enjoy my time spent alone.
Since I started college, I have always felt that I needed to be social every second of the day. On Friday and Saturday nights, I needed to be out and about with my friends. Even when I was sitting doing homework, I felt I needed to make a social moment out of it and sit with friends. This past summer made me realize that my little introvert self enjoys spending time alone. I don’t always have to be surrounded by other people. One of my favorite things to do this summer was to go up to my family’s cottage in Maine and spend a day or two there by myself. I loved my daily routines of going for runs, heading down to the beach, reading all day, spontaneously deciding what I would make for dinner, and then stopping at the grocery store and a little bookstore on the way back to the cottage. Since I’ve been back at school, one thing I’ve missed is those slower-paced days. One Saturday, I decided to recreate one of my quiet days by going shopping by myself. While at school, my mindset is that no matter where I am going, I need to invite everyone to come along with me, but I decided it was time for me just to go and do something alone – AND I LOVED IT. I went to Legacy Place in Dedham for the first time, which I highly recommend. It gave me that outdoor shopping feel that Lynnfield has if you’ve ever been there. I must say, the jazz music that plays outside while you’re walking around is really soothing, and it had a Sex and the City vibe to it. Anyways, as I was walking around, I thought about the fact that moments of alone time like this won’t last forever. Someday I will be pushing a stroller around an outdoor mall, or I might not even have time to take an afternoon and go shopping. I know there will be certain seasons of life where I won’t have any alone time at all, so I am learning to enjoy it now. Being alone, whether “alone” means you aren’t on the dating scene or just want to spend an hour or two by yourself, is good for you – take the time to do it.
I am figuring out how to be my best self.
This past year, I’ve adopted some much healthier habits regarding my emotional, physical, and spiritual health. I pray every day, exercise five days a week, and I am learning to silence my inner critic. These habits are not easy to keep up with, and there are many times that I’ve wanted to skip one of them or felt that it was too difficult to do. However, I decided about six months ago that I am worth taking care of, and since these things make me a happier person, I need to do them. I sometimes have to pencil these things into my schedule as if I am making room for a meeting or a class so they will actually get done. The funny thing is that my old self always thought that if I just adopted those three habits, then I would feel like I’ve done my job as a human being. I am starting to see that no matter how many goals I reach, there will always be a part of me that just wants to keep going and try something new. I am excited to see just how much I can accomplish as I focus on myself for a while. I want to figure out how I can be my best self during this time that I am on my own. Then, when I meet a high-quality human being, he can experience my best self, right alongside me.
and that’s on…knowing your worth.