No longer a Cosmo subscriber, I occasionally experience what I’d like to call Cosmo withdrawal. I mean, where else can I find out “The Love Trick That Makes Him Want You More” or how to decide when to call or text him? Don’t even get me started on the Red Hot Read. So naturally, I picked up the May issue from the bookstore. But as usual, I always end up somewhat disillusioned. 290 pages later, my OMG-must-read-this-instant sentiment typically becomes uh-what-did-I-just-read.
Let’s start with How Guys Really Feel About Your BO. Apparently the kind of BO you emit after “lying on the sofa, ordering takeout and watching reruns of ‘Jersey Shore’ all day long” is not sexy. Gasp! Who knew? Thanks Cosmo. As for post-gym odor, it’s a welcome smell. Eh, not if you’ve seen me workout. I suggest a compromise…in the shower.
What about the other 100 things about men? 78 percent of them will look at a woman as hot as Brooklyn Decker even when he is with you. You wouldn’t say! In fact, I’m probably looking too.
Want to know how to Be Extra Irresistible? Cosmo considers select Sally Hansen products that smooth out cuticles and build up brittle nails to effectively “flirt for you.” Cue “Mean Girls” because apparently my sucky nail beds are the real reason I’m not hooking the boys.
Next, my favorite article – 75 Sex Moves His Ex Didn’t Do (and probably for good reason)
Cosmo Says: “It would have thrilled me if she had suggested playing with something kinky, like candle wax.”
Allison Says: Sorry, third degrees burns are not on my idea of a good time.
Cosmo Says: “Whisper ‘I’m so wet’ when we were out at dinner.”
Allison Says: I think he’d take my laughter as an insult.
Cosmo Says: “I wanted to be woken up in the middle of the night with her already riding me.”
Allison Says: Isn’t there a little something the law likes to call consent?
Cosmo Says: Sometimes I wanted her to be the big spoon after sex.
Allison Says: It’s called the “big” spoon for a reason.
And lastly, Slippery Tricks You’ll Both Be Into. Cosmo presents a multitude of ways to incorporate lube into the bedroom, notably “to give him an amazing hand job, use warming lube to start. After a few minutes, wash your hands. Then switch to a cooling kind. The different sensations will drive him crazy.” Well, after walking to the bathroom for the wash your hands, lathering up for the CDC suggested 20 seconds and busting out the cooling lube afterwards, he’ll probably be finished by the time you’re ready for part two.
Don’t get me wrong. This is not to say I won’t definitely be buying next month’s Cosmo. I’m always quite eager to see what novel albeit ridiculous sex positions the editors can produce. But, I suggest you not revere Cosmo as the authority regarding sex and relationships. January’s issue confirmed my suspicions about the absurdity of its content when it printed, “On a cold night, I went to my girlfriend’s place. She put my penis under her armpit. It got me hot, fast.” Listen clearly when I say Do. Not. Try. This. – and no I’m (thankfully) not speaking from personal experience.