$#*! Cosmo Says: June 2011

So the Cosmo withdrawal kicked in again, leaving me perusing the bookstore racks to get my June fix.  I can honestly say I was more impressed with the general content of this issue, but let’s face it – it is Cosmo and therefore there was some ridiculousness that needs to be addressed.
 

Let’s start with the cover. 
Sorry Maurie and Eve, but that leopard print so-called dress on Cameron Diaz resembles something I’d find in a sorority rally box rather than on the cover of a lifestyle magazine.  And perhaps that’s what they were going for, so this one is on Cosmo.  For someone who features extensive fashion spreads in their magazine, I would suggest you choose a more suitable cover outfit if you want to seem at all credible in the style department. Cosmo: -1
 
The Weird Trait Guys Look For in a Date
Apparently, we should flaunt our parenting skills to potential suitors because that’s the “number one quality dudes seek in a new girlfriend.”  Cosmo fails to acknowledge that the survey cited reveals that an equal number of men value a caring and compassionate partner or that a larger percentage of women consider good parenting skills a very important trait in a potential partner.[1]  However, I must acknowledge that this article, in fact, does effectively apply factual anthropological concepts to a real world scenario in a newfound manner.  Cosmo: +1.
 
The Craving Guys Have at 9 p.m.
Awaiting an earth-shattering conclusion about a universal craving that men have at 9 p.m., I was left questioning the logic of the writers.  Rather than discussing a phenomenon plaguing all men, this article specifically references men who eat simple sugar, alcohol and simple carbohydrates around 7 p.m.  Thanks for that nutrition lesson: junk food equals crashing, which apparently demands affection.  So essentially, these times are arbitrary and not to mention useless when dealing with a healthy guy. Cosmo: -1
 
Ask Him Anything
It’s an advice column written by a guy a.k.a. no female editors with ludicrous, off-base recommendations.  How off could he be?  You just wait.  The reader laments about her boyfriend who always goes down on her, but she just doesn’t get off that way.  Here’s where “guy guru,” Ky Henderson comes in to save the day – I mean figure out how she can let him know there are other things she’d rather do.  It started off strong: he insightfully mentioned that revealing, “I’ve never gotten off that way,” would effectively translate, “My exes never got me off that way.”  But next he offers some inexplicably bad advice: “You could say something like, ‘Imagine me sucking your toes.  No matter how amazing my technique was, it wouldn’t get you off because it’s not your thing.’”  And you thought comparing him to the exes was bad?  Nope, in fact, your down-there skills are equivalent to sucking my toes.  Ouch, that’s rough.  Cosmo: -1
 
Dirty Talk That Drives Men Wild
Cosmo says: “That orgasm was so intense, my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I could see my insides!”
Allison says: I appreciate the enthusiasm, but seriously?
 
Cosmo says: “She straddled me, beat her chest and made the Tarzan call.”
Allison says:  Maybe this has something to do with the anthropological explanation of dating behavior detailed above…that’s about the only acceptable explanation for that one.