As I’ve alluded to, I’ve been seeing someone that I went on a double date with this summer. The date was nice and consisted of dinner with my best friend Jessica and two brothers: Taylor and Kyle. Taylor is the younger brother who went to high school with Jessica and has hair like Andrew Garfield. Kyle is the older brother who is consistently cast as the screw-up, but it’s fairly deserved since his life has been hilariously catastrophic. We had a good time with both of them and the way things were divided were: Jessica and Taylor, and me and Kyle.
As summer turned into fall, Jessica started dating Taylor. As mentioned in previous articles, I became involved with Kyle. And somehow it turns out that both brothers happen to say some really sexy and romantic things after sex, as Jessica and I soon discovered. As I’ve only had sex with Kyle three times, I don’t have the number of stories that Jessica does. Also important to note is that both brothers have an extreme monotonous California beach-bum drawl. Extreme. Imagine a consistently stoned (though neither of them are) Matthew Mcconaughey in “Dazed and Confused.” It’s unfortunate but they’re pretty so we ignore it.
One time, after a particularly long session, Kyle turns and looks at me. Now, Kyle is ridiculously sensitive and romantic. I don’t really care for that sort of thing but Kyle is actually over-the-top. As in, he lit candles the first time we had sex. So I’m expecting him to say something cheesy and sensitive but he says, “You should probably pee so you don’t get a bladder infection.” Thank you, Kyle. Considerate, sensitive, and everything I want in a man.
Now Taylor. Oh, man Taylor has so many gems that it’s almost impossible to choose which ones to write about. After the first time that Jessica and Taylor had sex, after months of sexual tension, he asked Jessica if they could cuddle. He has Andrew Garfield hair so she obviously said yes. He looked over at her and said, “What are you thinking about?” She replied appropriately: “Are you really asking me that?” He said, “Well no, I was just wondering what you were thinking about and then I was wondering what I was thinking about.” Jessica responded, “What are you thinking about?” And Taylor, the ever-charming romantic that he is said, “I was just thinking about that part in E.T. where they go up on the bicycle.” Was the imagery of Eliot and E.T. flying across the moon perhaps a metaphor for ejaculation? No, Taylor’s just creepy and weird.
In addition to the post-sex discussion of E.T., apparently Taylor fawns over (not Jessica) but Jessica’s silk sheets and regularly talks about how much he loves his Mom. When it’s all typed out, I wonder why Jessica is dating a toddler. But then again, he looks like Andrew Garfield so I really can’t blame her.