If you’re in a relationship, I’m sure you know that Valentine’s day is right around the corner, and you’re probably feeling the pressure of planning the perfect day. Usually, I’d be in the same boat, scrambling for a gift and trying to plan a huge surprise, but this year my boyfriend and I agreed to keep it small. I know this probably sounds lame or like an indication of relationship problems, but honestly it’s the opposite. There’s quite a few reasons we decided to do this, but the biggest is because we stopped feeling pressure to use extravagant gifts once a year as a way to prove our love for each other. In the almost four years we’ve spent together, we’ve done the fancy dinner dates, chill movie nights and everything in between, but the best Valentine’s days were always the ones where we are just in each other’s presence. We always found ourselves the happiest in a Taco Bell parking lot or going for a late night walk late rather than at a nice restaurant, and I’ve realized this didn’t come from a big show of affection once a year.
For the longest time, I thought that your partner’s love for you was proportional to how much effort they put into holidays or anniversaries. To my boyfriend’s credit, he has always done a wonderful job making me feel special, but as we’ve gotten older, you start to see the flaws in this kind of mindset. It puts crazy pressure on one day, and in turn, lets your mind start to believe this is the only day that counts. Expensive gifts can be nice, but at the end of the day it’s the other 364 days that matter most when it comes to feeling loved in your relationship.
Now, this doesn’t mean you need to get your partner flowers every day or constantly go on cute dates, but it does mean showing up for them consistently in the ways that make them feel seen. I like to think about it like this: if you put 10 hours of effort each into Valentine’s day and your anniversary, that’s 20 hours total of effort a year. But, if you put in 20 minutes of effort a day to do something sweet for your partner, that’s already 121 hours of effort you’ve put into making your partner feel loved. This can be something as small as a 20 minute check-in call, a stop at Dunkin to get their favorite drink or even one episode of their favorite show. As corny as it is, real love is never monetary, it all comes down to feeling seen, heard and appreciated by someone who chooses to be with you every day. It won’t always be perfect, of course, but as long as you both make the effort, every day will start to feel like Valentine’s day. If a big showstopping gift is your vibe then by all means, please do it, but it’ll feel 10x better doing it without the pressure of your partner’s happiness being determined by one day of the year!