Before college, the concept of a traditional female friend group genuinely made me want to cry. I was very accustomed to my safe specific bubble – composed of my favorite two gay men and the only girl I could ever get myself to fully trust. A toxic mix of middle school friendship trauma and the nerves that come with starting over in a place I didn’t know paralyzed my social skills. By the end of my freshman fall semester, I was convinced I had made a huge mistake. Between the feeling that I hadn’t found my clique yet and the mounting pile of home issues that were slowly toppling over, I wanted nothing more than to leave Queens behind forever.
Everything changed on the first day of my Italian class that spring semester, and it started with something so small. I offered a pen to a girl named Karolina who sat right next to me. This small exchange changed the entire trajectory of my college experience. For the first time, I had someone who mirrored my innermost thoughts. When I felt awful because I was bloated or my hair just wasn’t staying blown out, she simply made me realize that these anxieties were something every girl has but only acknowledges to their closest friends.Â
Since that pen exchange I am so thankful for the expansion of my circle into a safety net of support composed of my favorite girls in the world. They have become my perfect council, my group that provides their unfiltered opinions I so desperately needed during that lonely first semester. They’ve seen me through the messy parts of my life, like when I was navigating getting back together with my boyfriend. Instead of making me feel insane they told me antidotes from their life and relationship that helped me to build the relationship me and him have now. In the past I had lived in constant fear that anything I said would be judged and eventually regurgitated behind my back in a nasty comment. That fear was one that was so hard to break but these girls have rewired my brain. They have taught me that true friendship isn’t a performance but it’s a safe space where even my most insane thoughts are listened to and discussed, never weaponized.Â
We have truly mastered the art of beating the dead horse until there is literally nothing else to say, but of course we always find more. There is no better feeling than reaching a flow of talking about drama from before I even knew them knowing they are eating up every syllable. I barely recognized that girl who wanted to transfer out of St. John’s. My female friendships have made the things I hate most about myself, things I can laugh about. I am so thankful to no longer be the girl who hated every moment she spent in Queens and to be the girl who is patiently waiting for spring break to be over so we can debrief about our week away from each other.