3/4/21
It’s the morning before your nineteenth birthday and I’m writing this because I feel like I haven’t done much to honor your last day as an eighteen-year-old. Usually the night before your birthday you’d listen to songs or watch movies dedicated to the year you’re saying goodbye to. The night before you turned seventeen you watched Sixteen Candles and the entire day before you turned eighteen you listened to “Seventeen” by Sharon van Etten. Your birthday feels different this year. You’re not at home with Mom and Dad, and Gugu, Freddy, Sandra, and Yuli can’t join you for dinner tomorrow night. A day like this makes me reconsider why I wanted to go so far from home in the first place. The gloomy weather is making me sick too. If I can’t have my family I at least would like the sun to come out. It’s all very frustrating. I want my friends too. I want some familiarity. I want the comfort I had at home. I don’t know what to do to make it better.
3/5/21
I literally act like the world is out to get me (rolling eyes emoji). While the air was cold and windy, the sun came out. Yeah, my hair was flying all over the place, but my outfit was still cute. Blasting “Perfect Places” by Lorde at midnight on the Alexa set the good intentions for the day. My birthday was just as good as any other. Mom and Dad sent a surprise birthday package with sweets and a birthday card and the happy birthday texts and Instagram posts from my brothers made it even harder to hold in my tears. My NY best friends know how overwhelmed I can get because I’m so far from home and they always do the most for me. Their precious birthday cards filled with sweet words bring those tears I try to hold back to my eyes. Maybe home is wherever the people that make me smile are.
Abigail, you’re only getting older. You’re the only person that’s hard on you. It’s okay that you don’t feel as perfect as you actually are. Self-love takes vulnerability and time. Tonight, you feel loved. Tomorrow, you might feel lonely. However, low emotions should not guide the decisions you make. Your family and friends are always going to be there, so don’t make impulsive decisions that you’ll regret in the future. You’re at a place where you should only be motivated to pursue your dreams. Those environments of negativity and discomfort are miles away, the only one out to get you is your lonely self. It’s only gonna get better from here on out. You’re nineteen and you’re on fire so dance into the graceless night! (Thank you Lorde)