You may have forgotten, but your friends are not dating your boyfriend. You are. So where’s the boundary between who knows what?
I confess: I’m guilty of blurring boundaries. I mean, your boyfriend is your best friend, but so is your flatmate. So, when they share a juicy piece of information about their new hookup, isn’t it only fair it’s immediately shared with your boyfriend? What other secrets are you supposed to trade when falling asleep next to one another? Every other topic of conversation has likely been discussed time and time again; you have been dating for almost 2 years, after all.
I’m here to serve you a necessary reminder: just because you tell your boyfriend everything doesn’t mean your friends have agreed to tell him everything too. I’d argue that it depends on your friends’ boundaries. Maybe, they’re happy to share all the dirty details with everyone; when a boyfriend hangs around your flat every waking moment of every day, it’s inevitable that he, too, is initiated into this intimate friendship between flatmates. However, I find it a bit awkward to directly address these questions – I wouldn’t want to ask my friends if they’re fine with my boyfriend knowing about their sex lives. So… maybe he just shouldn’t know about it.
Living in a flat of six girls, and previously two boyfriends, we’d often find ourselves lounging in the living room, spending an evening gossiping and chatting about meaningless encounters we’d had recently. Wouldn’t it occasionally cross your mind just how much one of these boyfriends knows about you? About your inner monologue, which you’ve learned to share with your best friends after three years of knowing one another, or the secret crush you’ve begun to harbor for a friend?
I admit, my friends know all the dirt from my subconscious, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But, is it necessary that a best friend’s boyfriend knows as well? Which also begs the question: what if the roles are reversed? At what point does a juicy debrief become oversharing, and should some of the intimate details stay strictly between the two people involved? You learn to share the funny details of the first-ever sleepover with a boy you like, spilling every embarrassing tidbit, and suddenly sharing becomes habit. But now you’re dating the boy you like, and the habit never fades. Should your friends reaaallly know everything about your sex life?
I think the intent of a secret shared also changes when it goes from your mouth to a best friend’s ears versus from your best friend to their boyfriend’s ears. Context often gets lost in translation. The setting has changed, and the true emotion behind the sentiment may not be relayed correctly. A confession that feels harmless when whispered between two best friends can feel completely different when it becomes dinner table conversation with someone who was never meant to hear it.
And then there’s the inevitable question: What does the boyfriend think of me now that he knows all my dirty laundry? Is it really fair that my secrets, shared in a safe space with best friends, are now leaving that room?
I would argue that this area is as grey as it gets. You’re naturally inclined to share everything with a significant other. You do spend so much time together, especially in university that eventually you begin to morph into one mind anyway. But, if your intention is to be a good and trustworthy friend, it serves to remember that some information shared between friends can stay exactly that way – between friends. Not every little admission of guilt or secret shared has to be forwarded to a boyfriends’ ears. Boundaries, ladies! Don’t forget ‘em.
Your boyfriend might be your best friend, but that doesn’t make him the keeper of everyone else’s secrets. Some things really are just between the girls.