I won’t pretend that dating in St Andrews isn’t intimidating. Girls are often presented with three species of single men: the one intent on marrying their university love in Sallie’s chapel, the one who has slept with everyone in your contact book and the one who, despite stringing you along, will forever remain emotionally unavailable. Judging by the number of happy couples I have seen (*glared at), I had a slight hope that I might not spend next year’s Valentine’s Day recreating a scene from Bridget Jones. Unfortunately, it seems that the odds are out of my favour, with girls making up almost 60% of the student body here, and research by Jon Birger, author of Date-onomics: How dating became a lopsided numbers game suggesting that for every 4 college-educated women there are only 3 college-educated men, it would appear leaving my love life in the hands of cupid is far from a secure option. I can’t help but wonder if I might have enjoyed Valentine’s Day this year with (wait for it) an actual Valentine if I had taken a few more chances in the dating game. With the laws of probability working against the fairer sex, is it time for women to take the wheel and make the first move?
Initial research would suggest women making the first move is destined for dating success with a survey by dating site Match.com finding that 95% of men wanted women to initiate the first kiss and just as many wanted women to ask for their numbers. Likewise, Birger argues that women willing to put themselves out there and initiate relationships have more success than those who wait for someone to find them. Birger argues strongly for the value of being ‘the picker’ in social situations more generally, writing that “when it comes to standard types of matching – dating, hiring, school admissions, etc.- the party that initiates the match generally achieves a better outcome than the one on the receiving end.” There is no doubt that by consciously chasing after what a woman wants, she cuts out the possibility of entertaining a guy who, whilst offering the attention she values in the short term, doesn’t hold any of the intrinsic values she seeks in a partner. Surely any guy who would oppose a girl making the first move is an instant cut – who needs a man entrenched in outdated ideals and unsupportive of equal opportunities anyway? Not to mention, it is generally seen as attractive and endearing for a woman to know what she wants and to not be afraid to go after it, making her appear more confident and ultimately taking the pressure off men.
If the statistics all lie in favour of women being the initiators, why is it that so many women feel awkward, nervous or afraid to shoot their shot? Despite social standards between the sexes changing drastically in recent decades, many women still feel bound to the unwritten dating rules of the previous century. Popular fiction, classic books and romantic films have all taught girls to believe that it’s unladylike to be the initiator and that men want the “thrill of the chase.” Birger sees these gendered stereotypes as a core reason why women let men call the shots when it comes to dating, noting how if women were “expected to take a backseat in education, politics, sports, and business, it’s no shock then that society also expected them to behave like the weaker sex when it came to dating and relationships.” Many portrayals of women who do make a move on men often depict such women as “man-hungry” or promiscuous, better suiting the audiences of Victorian novels than the screens of the modern woman. The result of exposure to these traditional societal standards is that women generally are more inclined to fear rejection, taking being turned down as a failure of their femininity rather than simply a risk that didn’t pay off.
So what’s the secret? When talking to my friends about their experiences, many suggested alleviating some of the pressure and anxiety of organically asking someone out by making a move online. Sites such as ‘Bumble’ promote women messaging prospective partners first, placing the control and responsibility in their hands. Dating apps provide an array of benefits which might suit those more inclined to become nervous or embarrassed when talking to someone face to face. Online platforms often have features to narrow the pool, ensure a level of attraction on both sides and make the act of “rejection,” through ghosting or blocking, seem somewhat less personal. Equally, many women find messaging someone through social media platforms, such as Instagram or WhatsApp, an easier way to ask someone out than to ask in person, again suggesting that online provides less of a blow should the risk not pay off. The other approach my friends insisted on for minimising the impact of rejection was some good old fashioned Dutch courage. Admittedly, asking a guy out after a few drinks in 601 might not give the same impression as asking them out after class, but maybe even that is better than feigning disinterest in the hope men might initiate the chase.
The irony of course of all this of course is that women aren’t the only ones who struggle to make a move in person. Most guys will admit to finding initiating a conversation with someone they’re interested in much easier online or after a couple of drinks than face to face during the day. As much as women might think that asking a guy out requires the grand speeches or romantic gestures of a Richard Curtis film, we need to remember that we are not the only ones who find making a move so nerve wracking. Ultimately success, for either sex, comes down to personal preference, with some more likely to enjoy the thrill of initiating and others more comfortable being chased. But maybe more women taking the lead with love might equalise the playing field by alleviating the pressure from guys whilst giving more women the confidence to speak up for what they want in dating.