We’ve seen her in the movies, discussed her at the dinner table, and wondered if, to be the career woman, do we have to sacrifice love in the process? An intense, cut-throat air seems to always follow the words “career woman,” along with the images of Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada, Cristina Yang from Grey’s Anatomy, or even Nicole Kidman’s recent portrayal of Romy in Baby Girl coming to mind. We also can’t help but link their dominating, driven personalities to the dramatic storm of relationship and marriage struggles that ensue on screen. The turmoil and disasters they leave behind in failed attempts at meaningful, loving relationships appears to be a clear, societal warning to the overly-determined, even selfish, woman “whose career is more important to her than getting married or having children.” This is despite decades and waves of feminism combating this stigma, evolving her image but sometimes having her fall to the alternate extreme: the idea you shouldn’t want to be a mother, wife, or partner at all when hoping to further your career. Altogether, it seems people still can’t wrap their heads around whether the “career woman” can truly balance her love life and career. This Valentine’s season, I’m here to sort this confusion out.
What Career women Really want
The idea of the “career woman” has evolved since its inception from 1930s American culture, distinguishing between the financially stable housewife and Depression-affected widow or low-income woman in need of a job to support herself and/or her family. It seems, later on, Betty Friedman’s and Simone de Beauviour’s arguments in The Feminine Mystique and The Second Sex regarding the right for women to choose fulfilment in a career outside the home went over popular media’s heads. By the 1980s, “career women” became associated with naturally not wanting anything to do with children, marriage, or even self-care, filling the screen with “grim, unsmiling, working women” in movies like Baby Boom, Broadcast News, Suspect, and Fatal Attraction. Today, with the clashing ideals and popularising poles of the Girlboss and Tradwife taking the internet by storm, the media’s message seems clear: if you want to be a career woman, you have to choose one or the other. It’s simply too much to ask for both.
However, Notkin argues career women today aren’t having children or getting married later in life because they choose their career above all else. In fact, a recent study from the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology Canada found 97 percent of women waited to conceive their first child until they were in a “secure relationship.” Less than 30 percent claimed “career goals” impacted this decision. Thus, career women are simply taking their time – and for good reason. The U.S Census Bureau finds women’s divorce rate dropped significantly between 2008 to 2022. The U.K. women’s divorce rate also dropped similarly between 2021 and 2022. So, today’s women must be doing something right – but is there still more to this hold up?
Melanie Notkin argues in The Spectator that the gender divide on campus both in the US and the UK (about 60 women-dominated and 40 percent male respectively) is “precisely why” young women are working harder, aspiring higher, and leaving university with more degrees than men. Her argument is backed by a 2012 study from the University of Minnesota which found young women are more motivated in their careers than finding suitable partners due to the lack of men on campus. This is also due to men’s lessened ambition to impress women when there’s such surplus, usually teaching young career women to refuse settling as a result. Nevertheless, by the time women come out of university and land higher jobs, Notkin and David Buss find the challenge only continues as men find them less desirable due to their prioritization “for better or worse, other evolved criteria such as youth and appearance.”
I want to make one thing clear: as a young woman dead-set on pushing her career, I am not promoting the idea of settling. In fact, the following section will clarify why I believe the opposite to be achievable for my fellow career women out there. But, as a young woman who is also a hopeless romantic at the supposed “university of love” (University of St Andrews), this picture seems bleak. Maybe I’m an idealist for believing a career woman can have it all and be there for her friends, family, and herself. Or, maybe I’m simply looking in the wrong places.
Mother knows best
It’s one thing to lay out the cold, hard facts and statistics; it is another to showcase how being a career woman really plays out in the everyday lives of women. As for myself, I know the authentic image of a “career woman” is not to be found in the movies, books, or business magazines but in my very own home, watching Golden Girls on the couch with me: my mom. Yes, the image of my mom is partly defined by her iconic pant suits (which never shied away from a little colour), stiletto heels, and confident, perfumed air which made her 5’2” self intimidate any corporate mogul. It also conjures memories of stepping into her car to business meeting phone-calls (every child’s favorite music) and finding a lip-stick stained coffee cup in the cup holder. Nevertheless, beyond this superficial illustration, my mom’s role as both a career woman and mother inspired me in deeper, profound ways. In fact, I’m not the only one to think so. A recent Harvard study finds, being raised by a working mom impresses long-term benefits for both their sons and daughters. Women raised by working moms are more likely to have jobs and take on leading positions themselves. Men are more likely to share in household chores and caretaking responsibilities. And, in my life, these benefits of having a career woman as a mom certainly held true.
Looking back, the focus I have on my career, unabashed eagerness to take lead, and – yes, aspiration to one day rock a pant-suit – all take after my mom. Yet, another important aspect of growing up with her image, is the understanding that bettering oneself and career does not inevitably lead to undervaluing one’s relationships. I grew up seeing this through my mom’s marriage with my dad – a marriage premised on equal effort and support. True, a healthy degree of give-and-take is required in every relationship. They showed me this too, when one needs extra support, whether it be in regards to their work load or household responsibilities, the other willingly and lovingly jumps in to help. A small yet endearing example of this is my dad’s routine of making my mom’s morning coffee, knowing she would otherwise dash off without it. He gets up with her, as early as five or six in the morning, to make the latte art and everything.
A Career WOman loves to love
I digress, the most important takeaway I’ll leave for my mom to say: “You can have both: picking a career you are passionate about and finding a partner that will support you with your career and share in the work at home.” She argues to shut out the noise when it comes to picking one or the other. When it comes to romance more specifically, she says it isn’t a matter of settling but about finding the right partner. Thus, she stresses the importance of carefully selecting who you date and potentially decide to marry. No pressure, but mother knows best saying, “it is going to be the single most important decision in your life.”
When it comes to other relationships, friendships, even (potential) kids down the line, I also know I can look to my mom for assurance. She raised me and my sister right, she’s there for her friends, husband, and siblings, makes it to a happy hour or two, and loves her work. Thus, she is the living testimony of who a career woman truly is: a woman who loves to love. She loves what she does at work making “the hard work worth it,” but also shares the love all around. She has shown me, and hopefully you too, as long as you prioritise love – love in the work you do and in the relationships you foster – the rest should fall into place. Oh, and she definitely proves you can do it all while looking gorgeous along the way.