I am happy for Spring Break to be over. The weather is getting nicer by the day in St. Andrews (hello sun until 10 pm!), it is comforting to settle back into a routine, and the end of the year is always fun (and gone before you can say seeyouin4monthswhenimtanner/skinnier/glowingfrommysuccessfulsummerinternshipandnewfoundabilitytowrite10essaysinoneweek.)
But the reason that I am happiest to be back has nothing to do with anything here, it has to do with what I left at home. I have divorced parents, and judging by oft-quoted divorce stats (I’ve heard anything from 50% to 75% of all marriages within the United States), I am not the only college kid with this family situation—far from it. While the dissolution of my parents’ relationship has presented a fair amount of issues in and of itself, I have found that specific problems have arisen since I got to college, and they like to rear their ugly heads when I come home for a break. Often, when I am back for a short period of time, I begin to feel like a rag doll—limbs stretched in two different directions. Or a weapon, dropped into whatever psychological game my parents happen to be playing that month. If you are a college-aged child of divorce who values their emotional and mental stability, I have put together tips for three of the worst “divorce” situations, below.
Coming Home
Being home for a break can actually be stressful; we attempt to cram numerous doctors appointments (physician, dermatologist, gynecologist, dentist…), haircuts, reloading on cute going out clothes and a fair amount of catch-up time with high school friends into the span of a few weeks. Now, add juggling two, needy parents to that list. This is particularly difficult when you throw holidays into the mix. Finding a balance between the two without hurting any feelings can be a tremendous challenge, and sometimes you end up expending so much energy attempting to please both parents that it can end up hurting you. That night that would have been spent lying on the couch watching a movie? It is now spent having dinner with dad. And the afternoon that you wanted to clean out your closet (hello 10th grade Halloween costume and “moon boots”) is whiled away at a museum with mom. I am not complaining about dinners and museums–the point is that they both make a lot of plans to ensure that they get to see you. How nice would it be to live in one home, and see your parents as a consequential byproduct of just being there? A girl can dream. Since that is not happening, here is my number one piece of advice: remember that this is your vacation. At the end of the day, you can’t please both of your parents, all of the time. While creating a mom/dad schedule for break, please remember to slip in some “me” time.
The Dorm-room Pawn
Divorced parents like to put their children in the middle of their problems (shocking, right?) This is something that can really hurt when you still live at home, so going away to college is a nice escape. That is, until you receive phone calls and emails complaining about the other parent or fishing for information. It is important, when this happens, to hang up the phone or delete the message. Whether you have been used as a messenger between your two parents for your entire life– or perhaps now that you’re an “adult” they feel that you can handle the burden of all of their problems. Either way, this is not acceptable, and it is not healthy. College is, more than any other time in your life, a time to be selfish. You are meant to be exploring your personality, thriving academically and making a few life long friendships. You are not meant to be fielding calls from your mother ranting about a late alimony check, or submitting yourself to your dad’s probing about your mom’s dating habits. In fact, you are not responsible for these things when you are home either. This is stressful, and it will detract from a time that is meant to be about you. So leave the drama at home, and if it finds a way to reach you at your college address, simply decline to engage with it and move on.
Money Issues
It is likely that your parents spent months (or years…) hashing out a divorce settlement. These settlements typically include all of the basics: primary care of the children, a division of the assets and a plan for who will pay for what, for who. Signed, sealed and forgotten? Not quite. Your parents still seem to find some issues to nitpick. Maybe your dad thinks that your mom should pay your living expenses when you are staying with her. Maybe your mom wants your dad to pay for all of your books, even though this wasn’t previously addressed. Or maybe it’s a bigger issue—such as who pays your college tuition in general. Unless it has been previously agreed that you will take some part in your own finances or education costs, it is unfair of your parents to weigh you down with their financial details. Their concerns should remain to themselves, without stressing you out, or making you feel like a commodity – another asset to be valued, traded and paid for.