Casual Sex? Bring Back Casual Dating

Growing up, I’d often hear my grandparents talk about their ‘dates’. My grandpa even met my grandma while on a double date… except she was with his friend. 

They usually used the word ‘date’ over boyfriend or girlfriend, and that always confused me. Was their ‘date’ their exclusive partner?? They’d brush this off as semantics and say something like ‘you just dated, it wasn’t that serious’. Now that I’m older and experiencing the mess that is modern dating, I appreciate their point. 

I can count the first dates I’ve been on with both of my hands. 

While casual sex has been normalized for quite some time thanks to the Sexual Revolution, TV and general pop culture, it seems casual dating is a lost art. 

Let’s say you’re talking to a guy. Maybe you’ve flirted. Maybe you’ve even hooked up. Have you ever been scared to express a desire to take it to the next level? What if he pulls back? What if he says, ‘I’m just not looking for anything serious’ or ‘ I can’t commit to a relationship right now’? 

Ah, what’s the next level, you ask? 

I’d argue it’s as simple as a cup of joe on a Saturday morning at your favourite cafe. A date. So why is it somehow less daunting and more acceptable (specifically for men) to go home with a girl than it is to respectfully ask her on a date? 

I think there’s a pretty simple reason. When physical intimacy becomes more accessible, the path to getting there becomes less necessary. 

The Lost Art of Casual Dating

But what’s at stake when we lose the culture, and I’d argue, art of casual dating? When things become scarce, their value and demand usually rise. We pay more attention to them. They hold more weight. This is exactly what’s happened to ‘the first date’. 

The unfortunate result is that this then puts more societal pressure on men and women when it comes to dating. It becomes a case of putting the cart before the horse. 

Instead of going on the date – or going on many dates – and then deciding what we think about someone, we think we have to have it all sorted beforehand. We’re caught up in answering the question “do I like her/him” before we even know “her/him”. 

We decide we want to be in a relationship with someone before actually dating them.  

While sex can remain casual, somehow “dating” has become an activity exclusive to those looking to settle down and meet the “one”. 

A lot of us young people don’t understand what dating really is. 

What is a Date?

Dating – as in going on dates – does not constitute a relationship. It might be found in a relationship but it’s not exclusive to one. Going on a date is not a promise of a relationship. It is not even a guarantee of another date. 

And yet, the threshold of getting to a first date is high. 

It doesn’t help that social media is running rampant with the ‘if he wanted to, he would’ phrase: if a man wants to ask you on a date, he will. 

I’m not so sure. If dating now carries more weight, I can easily see why men (or women) would be more nervous to ask. Why is it easier to carry on in an endless snap streak, like stories, or catch eyes in class? 

Ultimately, it can be comfortable to exist in the in between. To feed your situationship or imaginings of someone with just enough breadcrumbs to keep it going, then to go on a date and have it possibly come to an end. 

Less Stress, More Fun: Bring Back Dating 

But let’s imagine that casual dating made a banging comeback. That you get asked out all the time. That you couldn’t count your first dates on any of your digits. 

I think we’d all have a lot more fun! You wouldn’t need to feed yourself breadcrumbs to keep something going that never even started because you’d have an actual date lined up. Maybe two, maybe three. That one didn’t go anywhere? On to the next! 

So, perhaps it’s time to lower that threshold. Keep it simple: daytime and coffee. It doesn’t need to be a fine art.

 A little more Olivia Dean, a little less Snapchat. 

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• #sex
• college
• love
• popculture