Fear of “No”
In regards to asking a question, people always say, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” Those people usually expect a dramatic answer. But honestly? The worst thing that can happen is that someone says no. When someone says no, what they mean is “I can’t do that” or “I disagree,” but what we hear is “I can’t even believe you’d ask that,” followed by bouts of shame and embarrassment.
The word no, the second most common answer to any question, is the most powerful word in the English language. It holds more meaning and weight than one word should. It can stop us from doing, being, or trying anything; it can even stop us from asking questions in the first place for fear of hearing it. This one-syllable word has held a huge amount of power in my life; when I was younger, because I didn’t know how to say it (people-pleasing), and more recently, because I didn’t know how to hear it.
The Coffee chat dilemma
Lately, this fear has been showing up in conversations about careers. I’ve been reaching out to people whose paths I admire, setting up coffees and calls, asking them about what they do and how they got there. On paper, I’m doing everything “right.” I ask thoughtful questions from my notes, and then I say thank you.
But there’s always a moment when the real question, “Do you have a work experience opportunity for me?”, sits at the bottom of my notes, waiting to be asked.
Instead, I dance around it, asking adjacent questions and softening my words until they barely resemble what I meant to say. I always hope they’ll read between the lines and offer something without me having to ask outright. Asking directly feels pushy, desperate, or overbearing. In a culture that teaches women to be grateful for whatever we’re given, asking for more can feel too bold, like asking for what we want is asking for too much.
Do men also soften the question they’re asking?
I don’t think so. They aren’t embarrassed to ask the question they want answered. I learned this through listening in on a call my boyfriend had with an older businessman. He followed the same protocol I did, asking polite questions about his career path, but then, when the moment came, he asked exactly what he wanted to ask, politely and directly; no easy exits were given. In one sentence, he gave the man a chance to reject him, but he also gave him the chance to say yes and open up a whole world of possibilities.
This leads me to:
the ultimate step-by-step of asking questions
- Mindset: Don’t assume they will say no. Believing that you have a chance is the first step to success.
- Assumptions: Assumption killed the internship cat – Don’t assume that they will read between the lines of your twisted question: more likely they will assume you don’t want their help that badly.
- Phrasing: Ask the question you want answered. You will not get an internship at their company if you ask for general career advice.
- The follow up: A “no” is simply a redirect: If you get a no for an internship, don’t leave the call without asking one fateful question: “Is there anyone else you can connect me to that could be helpful?”.
These 4 steps have led me to learn that when you ask a direct question, you give someone the challenge of telling you no (which we all know is hard to say) and the chance to tell you yes. Be brave and ask for what you want, and if you don’t get what you want, at least get the next best thing: another connection to ask fabulous, bold, and direct questions to.