19 Things I Learned Before Turning 19

1. Communicating during conflict is a skill we should all work to develop. 

You will never convince me that playing games – platonically, romantically, or elsewhere – is the way to go. The older I get, the more sure I become that swiftly addressing conflict and nipping it in the bud is always a better call than silently stewing and letting issues fester. I’m still learning how to speak my mind effectively but kindly, and I probably will be my whole life. But tough conversations are inevitable, and nothing gets resolved by sweeping things under the rug. 

2. On a similar note: Mysteriousness is overrated.

At your funeral, no one will be applauding you for having cultivated an aura of mystique or unknowability. In other words, give people something to remember you by! Maybe this is just my own bias, because I personally am incapable of keeping my feelings to myself, but I’m a firm believer that there’s no shame in being joyful, bubbly, and open. If you like someone, tell them. Make your mark on people and enjoy yourself. Isn’t that what we’re here for?

3. Making your bed every morning is an easy way to feel so much better about things. 

I always feel less daunted about my day when my room is clean. It’s a small but efficient step to decreasing stress. And it looks nice!

4. I am wary of people who proudly advertise themselves as “brutally honest”.

Author Bob Burg writes, “Those who take pride in being ‘brutally honest’ are typically more interested in being brutal than they are in being honest.” To clarify, I am not at all opposed to being blunt or telling someone what they need to hear. But when someone constantly boasts about how they ALWAYS tell the truth without caring if it hurts you, that’s not really a friend I’m interested in having. Sometimes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, it’s better to just say nothing at all. 

5. Accutane will indeed give you crazy side effects. But in my experience, they’re worth it.

Seriously, it is a strong drug. Before taking Accutane my senior year, I could easily stay up until 2 am night after night. A month or two into my regimen, I was unable to make it to 10 pm. I’ve never fully bounced back, but I’ll take it. Not being self-conscious about my skin is a blessing I can’t overstate.

6. “The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.”

This is a quote from the Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler, and he couldn’t be more right. I’ve had to learn that having idols is a fool’s errand, and that – duh – everyone has their quirks and struggles. 

7. Before a cross-country race, one should not eat copious amounts of cheese pizza.

I learned this lesson the hard way during a comically horrible race my sophomore year of high school. I learned that the best pre-race preparation – for me, at least – involves a full night of sleep, a protein-filled salad for lunch, and a comfortable gap between the last meal and the start of the race. And stretching. As a society, we don’t stretch enough.

8. Don’t underestimate what you can learn from a wiser older woman.

I’ve recently started saying that 2026 is my year of friendships with post-grads. Although I obviously love my fellow first-years, one of the gifts of life recently has been coming into contact with women of a variety of ages – some at the charity shop where I volunteer and some I’ve met in passing or through pure happenstance. As someone who has always longed for an older sister, it’s pretty great to find women who can dispense life advice without ever seeming condescending or disinterested. Whether they’re twenty-eight or seventy-eight, I treasure our conversations and can’t wait to keep having them.

9. Things work out, though almost never in the way that you think that they will.

A theme of my life thus far has been that the Universe is a benevolent force, but never in the way that I expect. The most relevant example of this is the fact that I go to St Andrews. At the close of my first year, I couldn’t be happier that I ended up here, but it was certainly a curveball for a girl who had her heart set on attending school in the American South and pictured her Saturdays spent at tailgates instead of black tie balls. This pattern can also be applied to prospective friendships, romantic relationships, academics…I am constantly reminding myself to exhale and let it play out how it’s meant to. Rejection is just redirection!

10. The Reminders app is a godsend, and I would be a wreck without it.

Truly, I would forget all my tasks if I didn’t record them in my phone with aggressive capitalization and exclamation points. I’m always urging my friends to do the same.

11. So far, no romantic relationship has fulfilled me nearly as much as my female friendships have.

This is not shade! But I’ve been incredibly lucky in the friendships I’ve formed with girls, and at least for now, they are the loves of my life. 

12. Reaching out to someone you miss is (almost) never a bad idea. 

After studying abroad in Spain my entire junior year of high school and now attending university in Scotland, I have considerable experience living far from my loved ones in the States. Of course, thousands of miles of separation mean that you won’t stay equally close to everyone. But I’ve found that the relationships that mean most to me have not only survived the distance but thrived in it, because both sides are committed to each other. A simple “Hi! I miss you, how are things?” text goes a long way.

13. It’s much cooler to admit you don’t know something than to pretend you do.

For example, I love pausing in conversation to say, “I actually don’t really know, let’s look it up,” as opposed to blindly rambling about a topic I don’t understand. I respect people who don’t act like they know everything.

14. ‘Err in the direction of kindness.’

Few pieces of media have impacted me as much as George Saunders’ 2013 commencement speech at Syracuse University. My summary can’t do it justice, but the speech’s thesis is that what we end up regretting most in life are “failures of kindness” – those moments when we could have extended a hand to someone who was struggling and chose not to. Saunders acknowledges that although it can seem facile and is certainly harder than it sounds, as we live our lives and pursue our goals, we should always “err in the direction of kindness.” It’s a constant effort, but I try to embody this advice as often as I can.

15. You will never regret a workout. 

I am the queen of talking about how I’m going to go to the gym and then putting it off for three hours. It often takes a while for me to psych myself up to put on my sneakers and head out the door. And yet, once I’m there, I’m always glad I did it. It’s an unfortunate fact of life, but the rumors are true. Get up and go run, lift, or whatever strikes your fancy. You will feel better.

16. The line between ‘protecting your peace’ and complete isolation is thin. Tread it carefully.

I’ve recently realized that when I’m in a new place, I have an unfortunate habit of cutting myself off from others and going about my daily activities completely alone. My hometown friends have been such a treasured part of my life and my personality for so long that they became a kind of security blanket for me, and when they’re not around, I have historically struggled to put myself out there. I’ve tried to justify this resistance to making new friends by going on long walks, listening to music in my earbuds, and living in introspective daydreams. But there comes a point where independence no longer feels freeing and just feels lonely. By all means, take your time for yourself and relish it. Just don’t let it come at the cost of meeting wonderful people who will make your life better.

17.  Never, under any circumstances, pluck your eyebrows without a mirror.

What may seem self-explanatory now was not as obvious when I was twelve. Put down the tweezers.

18. As much as I hate it, short-form videos are in fact messing with our attention spans.

Or at least with mine. As a kid, I was a voracious reader and could sit on the couch for hours without noticing if I had a book in front of me. Now, after years of conditioning my mind to watch thirty-second TikToks and Instagram Reels, reading is definitely more of an active effort than it used to be. I am incredibly ashamed by this, so I recently deleted my TikTok account and am praying for the safe return of my attention span.

19. The amount of good things in your life depends on your ability to notice them.

I am notoriously grateful. When I start to wax lyrical about how happy I am to be alive, my friends good-naturedly roll their eyes. But even if this trait of mine can be annoying, I wouldn’t change it because I am convinced that to take gratitude & joy from small things is the key to happiness. As cliché and even ‘cringe’ as it is, getting excited by a beautiful sunset or a particularly delicious dinner adds to my life infinitely. Be observant of your own blessings and take unabashed delight in them. As the brilliant Mary Oliver says, “Joy is not made to be a crumb.”

• 19
• college
• friendship
• life lessons
• love