Since the summer of 2023, I have been so lucky to be with my current significant other. Most of our time together has consisted of us going to colleges five hours away from each other. We were both nervous about the idea of starting a relationship right as we were beginning new chapters elsewhere, but we went for it anyway. Each year has come with different issues and things that worked well for us.Â
For any couples considering navigating a long-distance relationship, here is some advice that has kept my personal relationship going strong to beat the odds. Every couple and relationship is different, so I encourage everyone to explore what works best for your relationship.Â
- Communication (duh)Â
Not being able to see each other in person very often can feel incredibly disheartening and frustrating. We are both very good about actively texting one another, calling frequently, sending reels, etc. We’ve found that it is crucial for you both to agree on and align how frequent communication meets both of your needs.
Communication also means addressing problems as they arise, not letting them simmer into silent resentment. This can be difficult, as issues can stem from something seemingly small that you may initially be inclined to brush off. But sometimes you need to bring up things that bother you, even if you predict it turning into an argument. I’ve learned a lot about the ways in which I approach arguments and am able to express why I feel certain ways, while giving empathetic grace to his perspective.Â
- Unspoken Spoken RulesÂ
This looks like requests you can give to your significant other about your relationship. For example, “When we call, I’d prefer that you aren’t doing other things and can focus on me.” Or, “Can you text me when you get back to your dorm safely after being out at night?”
This is especially important in terms of jealousy and anxiety. When you’re apart, it’s natural to be curious and even worried about what your significant other is up to, even if they’ve given no evidence that they are up to something. While you shouldn’t take out your insecurities and uncertainties on them, if reassurance and communication are important, you should voice that and make strides to strengthen trust.
- Planning Dates
One of my favorite parts of long distance (not many) is planning when we will see each other next. Thinking ahead and making plans to look forward to can be really uplifting. A trip to see each other, meeting in the middle, or even being home for the holidays. If those aren’t very viable options, planning special date calls or gaming sessions can also help keep the dating aspect alive while apart.Â
- A Commitment Mindset
All of these, of course, depend on the couple and what kind of relationship you have, so this one might not apply to all. In our relationship, we have developed a mutual understanding that we both want this relationship to last. We have our core values and life plans aligned, so we don’t see any foreseeable argument as something we can’t get through (that doesn’t mean there will never be one, but with this mindset, we are less likely to give up when it gets hard).Â
I want to be clear, this mindset does/should NOT be applied to situations of abuse, or those in which core values are misaligned and are not willing to be sacrificed. For us, it’s simply a phenomenon in which, during arguments, however brutal, I never think of it as the beginning of the end. Even when I am actively sitting in an argument at its peak, I am just focused on how we are going to solve this. I don’t resort to a mindset of “This conversation is making me unhappy; maybe we shouldn’t be together.” Once again, please do not continue to be in toxic relationships just because you don’t wanna be a quitter. If an argument gets physical, manipulative, abusive, or degrading, please find a safe way to end that relationship. Also, some people just aren’t meant to be, so it’s totally normal to break up over an argument.Â
- Bringing up our significant other when appropriateÂ
A way to help fill the void of the person not being there is having reminders of them. This can be through gifts displayed, photos, clothes, and also just including them in your social life. We haven’t hung out with each other’s school friends a ton, but we are all familiar with one another through stories and conversations we tell about them.Â
- Learning to be your own personÂ
This year has been especially busy for both of us, so communication has been slower. Though we have both noticed, we are content because we are filling our time well. It’s bittersweet in a way: you miss the person less, but it is because you aren’t thinking about them as much.
I would say this is easier if you are doing long distance in college, because when living on campus, you are completely immersed in an environment of a high-functioning social sphere. It is rare to really feel alone or as though you are reliant on your long-distance partner for companionship.Â
At the end of the day, my significant other and I are still just kids growing up and into the world together. At the same time we’ve transitioned from high school to college, and soon college into the real world, we’re also navigating our first committed relationship. We are bound to make mistakes, but watching each other grow has been such an inspiring thing. We’re not perfect, and we’re never going to be, but we can still choose to love and be there for each other every day.Â