As I near the end of my senior year of college, I am feeling all sorts of emotions. The thought of moving out of my college house makes me sad because I have become rather attached to our little blue home on the corner. I feel excited about not having to do homework after work, but sad that I won’t be in a classroom setting anymore. I have settled in Seattle, which is something I never really did growing up—settling. And I think part of my brain feels the need to do something different in the name of change. After all, that’s what I’m used to—that’s what feels normal.
I moved a lot as a kid, and I mean a lot. I attended about seven different schools before graduating high school and lived in three different states. My life was constantly changing, things were always new, and I was always the new kid. Because we moved so much, the feeling of doing something new became the norm. And as I sit in the discomfort of trying to put down roots, I struggle with knowing what I truly want. What are my next steps? How do I make sure I’m not running away just because attachment feels scary— even when it’s also something I want so deeply?
I used to look at my peers graduating college and think, “By the time I’m in their shoes, I’ll have my next steps planned out.” Now here I am, with no clear plan, trying to make sure I am moving toward happiness and fulfillment—not just change for the sake of change. There is a level of vulnerability in putting down roots somewhere. You are making a choice to stay. You are also accepting that when things do change—and they will—it will be that much harder because of all the connections you have in one place. I have come to learn that a large source of my happiness comes from feeling attached—to people, to places, to houses, to myself. Ironic, but it definitely checks out, considering all my moving.
I’m writing this to let people know that it’s okay not to know. Unfortunately, this is a VERY hard lesson for me to learn and accept because I like to know what’s going on—all the time. I am very much a plan girly. But I am starting to take things in bite-sized chunks (my life motto), day by day, and not get ahead of myself. One time, I told one of my best friends that it’s hard to truly mess up your life path (within reason) because the universe has your best interests in mind, and now I am trying to tell/believe that myself. There are so many beautiful ways small adventures can shape you. A lot can change in just a few months, and while that’s terrifying, it’s also exciting.
It’s okay to put down roots. It’s okay to be sad. And it’s okay to go on little side quests to understand who you are and your place in the universe. We are all figuring it out—even those who seem like they have it together most of the time.
So, from me to you—and also me to me—things will work out. Life will be beautiful. Try not to resist it.