Over the summer, I turned 21. During the summer, I also had one of the biggest hip surgeries a person could have. Because I couldn’t walk for three months, I had lots of time to reflect on my life and experiences. I obviously have so many more life experiences to come and grow from, but I have had many experiences, oftentimes a repeated lesson.
- People remember how you make them feel
We all have in mind people who have made us feel good, and people who have made us feel bad. Sometimes, the events and people that have made us feel bad stick out to us more. These negative experiences can cause us to view ourselves negatively and internalize mean things that have been said about us. It is so important to treat everyone with kindness and respect. We all have hidden battles we are dealing with, and you never know what someone is going through.
- Take pictures and videos
Growing up, my parents took so many pictures and videos of me and my younger sister on holidays, special occasions, school presentations and other childhood activities. As I got older, I started taking less pictures and videos. I would recall specific major life events, and I had a very limited digital memory of those times to look back on. Part of me felt like I would never want to watch myself go through those things again in a video that exists forever. It wasn’t until this year that I wished I would’ve taken more pictures and videos and documented my life more. All memories, good and bad, should be documented. You need the reminders of how far you’ve come to keep going.
- Not everyone will like you and that’s ok!
You can’t please everyone and that means you will encounter people who don’t like you for whatever reason. The only person you should be worried about pleasing is yourself. You can’t be everything to everyone and happy at the same time.
- You are or will become like the people you surround yourself with
Like minded people with similar traits often find each other. On the other hand, you will absorb other people’s traits from proximity. Surround yourself with people who treat others with kindness, are honest and are genuine.
- It’s ok to be by yourself
This is one that has been a huge struggle for me. I much rather do things with other people than do those same things by myself. Over the last year, I have tried to do more things by myself. I started by taking myself to Target or going to get a coffee. Slowly but surely, I’ve felt more and more confident being by myself. Sometimes, not wanting to be alone comes from a deeper feeling of not wanting to be alone with your thoughts.
- Stand up for injustices whether they directly affect you or not
You may not relate to every injustice out there. Abled bodied people won’t be able to fully understand disability injustice, just like white people won’t fully be able to understand injustice against African Americans. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care. You should care and actively speak out when you feel anyone is being harmed. If you know someone is being harmed and you don’t speak out against it, you are contributing to the injustice. I, personally, would always put myself in the crossfire of potential consequences to stand up for injustices and the people that matter.
- The truth always comes out
Sometimes, things happen and other people learn about it, either through the truth, or through lies. What those people do with that information is on them, and not a reflection on you. I know it can be tempting to spend all your time trying to figure out what has been said and wanting to defend yourself. The truth comes out when the timing is right. If you hear of a specific instance that people may have very strong feelings about, it is critical to understand that you do not know the complete story. There are many reasons why you may not know the whole story, but to make judgements and act a certain way because of one side of the story that you do know, is immature. The truth can’t be told by a liar.
- Rejection is redirection
In the moment, when you are rejected from something you really want, it feels soul crushing. It is hard to see any good in the rejection at all. I have been rejected from many things. For example, I was originally accepted into the University of Washington to complete my undergraduate degree there. I applied for a study abroad program for two weeks in Rome, Italy before fall quarter started. In my personal statement, I wrote about how important it was for me to travel now while I still can because it is not known how fast or how severe my disease will progress. The admissions team emailed me, asking if I was absolutely sure I still wanted to apply because there would be no accommodations provided (this is illegal!). I replied and said I wanted to keep my application and work with disability services to accommodate my limited abilities. Two weeks later, I was rejected from the program for the sole reason that I am disabled.
After trying to work with UW several times to get appropriate accommodations for classes, they ultimately refused to help me so I dropped out and took a year off of school. At the time, this felt devastating. UW was my dream school. My parents went there for college, I watched the Apple Cup with my parents every year, and I had a collection of UW sweatshirts. Now, I can look back on this and still feel anger and frustration but I also feel grateful. I found SPU and have people in disability services that really care about me and fight for me. It has not been without its challenges, but I am grateful for DSS.
- Tell people how you feel
Growing up, I was raised to always let people know that I love them and that they matter to me. Once I became older, I expanded this to telling people how I feel when something has hurt my feelings or I believe I have been hurt in some way. Both are important, and both can be hard for certain people. When my grandmother passed away a couple years ago, I had the chance to reunite with family members that I didn’t have a relationship with prior. This was one of the best chances I have ever been given. I couldn’t imagine living without my aunt, uncle and my cousins. They express love through actions, not necessarily explicitly telling me they love me. One day, I decided to tell them I love them instead of waiting for them to tell me first. Now, every time we see each other, they tell me they love me. Watching them change the way they express feelings has been so gratifying for me.
What is usually harder for people, is telling others that something they did or said was hurtful. Confrontation can be scary. You have no idea how it will be received or if you will feel better or worse. If you don’t tell people when you feel hurt, you will keep being hurt and feel resentment. The right people will respect your boundaries, and if they don’t, that is a reflection on them not you.
- The answer is always no if you don’t ask
This, similar to rejection, is redirection. If you never ask for what you want, the answer will always be no. When you ask, the answer might still be no or it could be yes, and you’d be glad you took the chance. Over this summer, I emailed my local bookstore to ask if they had any job openings. In that same initial email, I sent my resume and mentioned how much I love shopping there and how I take all my out of town friends there. They emailed me back and offered me a job interview the next week. I have now been working there since August, and love my job so much. I have co-workers who care about me and support me through my successes and struggles, my bosses treat me with respect and kindness and help me grow and become better, and I have creative opportunities to help with displays and recommend books to customers.
- Worth is inherent
One of my best friends, who I’ve known now for eight years, is one of the wisest people I know. During one of my many rants to her about how I experienced something that made me feel worthless, she had an impactful answer. She told me that worth is inherent; you are worthy just because you are alive, not based on any other factors. “Some people like apples and other people like oranges. It doesn’t mean either one of those fruits is worth any less just because some people don’t like it”.
- Your grades aren’t as important as your character
When I was in Running Start at community college instead of high school, I beat myself up over a bad grade. Even a B was a bad grade in my mind. I remember I got a 37/50 on a psychology test the first two weeks of my first quarter, and I thought so poorly of myself because of it. Through lots of therapy and time addressing my perfectionism, I have learned that I much rather get some C’s on tests sometimes than be a bad person. While grades have some merit when it comes to applying to schools, once you’re graduated, nobody cares. Future employers care way more if you have good moral character than that math class you failed.
- Your health is the most valuable thing you have
You will never realize how important your health is until it’s taken away. For many years, I lived a normal and healthy life. A few weeks before I turned 13, I became really sick. I was in severe pain, was tired every day, I felt dizzy most of the time and overall I just didn’t feel good. I was at the hospital multiple times a week and nobody could figure out what was wrong with me. It wasn’t until six years later that I was diagnosed with an incurable genetic disease. I was told I would always be sick and that hopefully I would feel better somedays, but that I would always have pain. I need surgery on almost every joint and need to use mobility aids some days, including my wheelchair. Simple tasks and activities that other people can do without a single thought, require intense planning for me to attempt. Traveling requires I bring my wheelchair, which means I bring bubblewrap to wrap my chair because the Airlines damage it. Going to concerts means I have to take pain medication before, sometimes bring a mobility aid, and wear shoes that don’t go with my outfit because I can’t stand in anything but tennis shoes and so on. Having good health and good healthcare is a privilege.
- Social media isn’t real
It can be so easy to fall into the trap of social media. Everyone looks happy, has amazing friends and looks like they are living their best lives. On my own instagram, I have pictures from my Running Start graduation. I look happy and like it was the best experience I’ve ever had. What you don’t see is during that same quarter, spring of my senior year, I had to hire a lawyer to fight against disability discrimination from one of my professors. A few months before graduation, I had my first surgery on my wrist that left me unable to write or type for a few months, but you would never know that by just looking at my pictures. It is pointless to compare yourself to other people on social media. Social media is a highlight reel where you are celebrated for looking perfect.
- Criticizing others is a reflection of you
Criticizing others for things such as: looks, money, ideas and other things says more about your own insecurities than the people you are being critical of. If you find yourself doing this, it is important to self assess and figure out why you are doing these things. You should give yourself grace but also hold yourself accountable for your behavior.
- People who brought positive change didn’t please everyone
At some point, you have to decide what is more important to you. Creating positive change either on a large or small scale, or trying to please everyone and being too scared to stand up for what is right. Disruptors throughout history have been criticized, hated and protested against. It is not easy to face those things, as I would know from being a disruptor. However, doing the right thing is rarely the easy thing. If trying to please everyone is what you truly want, that is ok, you have free will. But just know you will not be immune to issues that arise because of it. There are problems with either option, but which one do you want to be remembered for?
- It’s never too late to make amends
I think sometimes we fall into this trap that tells us if something happened a while ago, we can’t apologize for what happened. The truth is, growth comes from time. Sometimes it takes a while for you to gain more perspective on the situation or you need to experience something similar to realize what you did was wrong. Several years ago, I had an experience with a boy I knew who said some things to me that were rooted in sexism. Without much reflection on that experience, I got really mad and was too intense when I talked to him about it. About a year later, I reflected on that situation with regret. I realized he might not have understood what he was saying, and he didn’t deserve the lecture I gave him. I reached out to him and told him that I was sorry for that interaction and how regretful I was. I told him that I should’ve been kinder in my delivery and given him more grace for his mistakes. To my surprise, he responded and told me that he appreciated the apology and that he forgives me and would like to be friends. To this day, I still talk to him occasionally, and I was able to forgive myself for my impulsiveness. We all make mistakes and don’t react in the right way sometimes and that’s ok. We are only human. Our mistakes don’t define us. What does is the way we come back from them and do better in the future.
- Physical “flaws” are sometimes what makes you the most unique
Because I have had so many surgeries, I have a lot of scars on my body. One of the characteristics of my genetic disease is that none of my scars heal normally. While other people’s scars might be one, have thinner lines and not be as noticeable, mine are the opposite. My scars spread wide, turn purple and are very noticeable. There’s nothing I can do to prevent it. I have had to get over this insecurity pretty fast, knowing that in a few years, every limb will be covered in scars.
I had one of the biggest hip surgeries someone could have over the summer this year. When it was time for me to go home, the nurses had to take off my bandages and replace them. I saw what my leg looked like for the first time. I have a six inch scar on my upper thigh, with three littles ones on the side of my knee, and several smaller ones on my hip. I was shocked and devastated. My first thought was how I could never wear shorts again. Almost five months later, I look at these scars now and think how cool they are.
This Halloween, I dressed as a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. My scars on my leg were very visible because of the shorts that I wore as part of the costume. One girl approached me at an event to tell me that she has the same scar as me. We ended up talking about how we had the same surgery for different reasons, but I felt so seen and I was so appreciative that she talked to me about it. For the rest of the night, if people noticed, they didn’t tell me and I still ended up winning the “most accurate” Halloween costume alongside a friend of mine.
- It’s ok to walk away to protect your energy
This can apply to many situations: work, friends, family, etc. If something/someone is causing you more harm than good, walk away. You might face backlash for doing this, as some people aren’t understanding of boundaries. Staying in situations where you are miserable will never change. People might make opinions or judge you for walking away, but it’s none of their business and their opinion doesn’t matter. I’ve found myself to now feel grateful when that happens, because I know now what kind of person they are and I know exactly what I don’t want in my life.
- Life always changes
For better or for worse, life always changes. You’re never stuck for long, life keeps going.
- Failures are steps to success
We learn more through our failures than our successes. We are so bothered by failing that we analyze our mistakes deeper to try and understand why we did them so we can correct. Failures also make the successes even better.