Love hurts and it sucks.
When you’re on a high, everything feels perfect and like nothing could go wrong. When you hit a hard low, you feel hopeless and miserable.
People can break up or experience heartbreak due to various reasons – infidelity, long distance, different religious or political beliefs, abusive behaviors, unrequited feelings, or unexpected death. It really doesn’t matter why, it all hurts the same when you deeply love someone.
There are countless articles and books out there about love. Some with advice on how to move on or heal, but nothing can ever truly prepare you for the excruciating pain that is love. I’m talking about the kind that makes it hard to breathe, where you cry so much that everything physically hurts.
After my relationship came to an end, my self confidence took a nosedive, crashing onto the pavement, scattering itself into bits of pieces. I felt like a failure. It didn’t initially feel that way. The first month was, in lack of better words, “easier” than expected. It wasn’t until weeks later that I realized I wasn’t properly grieving because deep down I didn’t want to move on. Doesn’t that sound so stupid and crazy of me?
Questions and doubts crowded my mind. I didn’t know who I was anymore or what I believed in. For some naive reason, I guess I thought I was immune to heartache. I thought I was too strong and disciplined to struggle with the breakup process.
How could you mean everything to someone one day and then be treated like nothing the next? How can someone be so close but feel so far? How can someone you love so much make you feel so unwanted? How do I heal when all I want to do is love with everything I have?
I’m trying to do all the right things. Focusing on my hobbies, trying to better myself, leaning into my friendships more, not rebounding, and not making up reasons just to hate him. I’m doing everything I can think of, but the truth is there’s no right way to heal. No correct steps to follow.
I’m someone who likes to be in the know. Someone who likes to have control. Unfortunately, my ideas are constantly getting erased and scratched out. Nothing is going as planned.
I liked plans, schedules with timelines and specific details. They are, for the most part, reliable and safe. And if something goes wrong, that’s alright. I had plans B and C. I had a plan to heal my broken heart. To do this and that, things to help me feel better. So tell me why I don’t feel better? In fact, I feel even worse than before.
It can take weeks, months, or even years before my heart will ever fully recover. However, there’s a chapter of heartbreak in everyone’s book. I’m currently reading mine as one question weighs heavily on my heart.
When will it stop hurting?