If you hate confrontation as much as I do, it can be really hard to speak up for yourself in the moment, and even harder to bring up something that upset you days ago. In the past, I’ve found myself in a cycle of getting hurt, being too anxious to say anything, and letting myself continue to get hurt. Learning how to set boundaries in my relationships changed everything.
Setting boundaries at the start of a relationship can already be scary. It’s hard to not worry about offending the important people in your life, and it’s even harder to tell someone they’ve been consistently crossing a line for a while. I used to worry that it was unfair to ask someone to stop doing something after I had let it go on for so long.
But I realized that I owe it to myself and my partner to confront what was upsetting me, and I started openly discussing my boundaries.
In a perfect world, discussing your boundaries with someone would always be an easy conversation. But in reality, conversations about boundaries can be hard, and both sides could end up with hurt feelings. As hard as it is to tell someone that they’ve hurt or upset you, it’s just as hard to hear that you’ve unintentionally hurt someone. Your friend, family member, or partner might feel offended and in turn, hurt. Be prepared to listen to and understand their feelings about the situation, but do not let their feelings about your boundaries change them. The people in your life should understand and accept your boundaries as they are.
If someone in your life has been consistently crossing a line, it’s hard to randomly start a conversation about it. I used to think that I needed to wait for what upset me to happen again in order to bring it up at all. Really, I’ve only ever been told that bringing up the past is bad. But realistically, we don’t truly know how we feel about something until we’ve had time to process it. Taking the time to understand your feelings is crucial if you want to communicate them. Your friend, family member, or partner should (after processing their own feelings) understand why it may have taken you a while to communicate your boundaries.
Whether you’re just learning about, have felt anxious about, or have just been putting off setting your boundaries, it’s never too late to start communicating them with the people in your life.