Masturbating with Roommates (no not like that)

If you go to school at Sonoma State University, live on campus and don’t have $15k for a single bedroom, you have roommates. It might be one or two, but if you gotta skimp it money-wise than you have two.

Two people live in a room along with you; all their bedding, clothes, personal items and bathroom are yours, and yours theirs virtually. Socialization in college is therefore not really the problem, it’s alone time that’s the problem. So what do you do when you want alone time but have to keep track of two additional schedules? Well let me give you my play-by-play.

The first few weeks or so, you honestly forget. Everyday has been jam packed with moving in and getting to know people. Then getting to know your new classes, professors and the campus layout. Then its been finding clubs and other social venues. Then some new chick’s friends kinda bring up the topic of your private me time and you realize...oh my gosh...it's been like six weeks since you’ve gotten off when before living in a suite full of seven girls, you did it once once a week, three times a week or every night.

Now you’re hyper aware of the fact that you haven't had any me time in a millennium and your hard working self deserves it. You do girl, let the self love reign.

 

Step 1: where your roommates at?

Most likely you have a groupchat with your whole suit and at the very least your roommates. Literally just text them, but obviously you can’t just “hey guys, flicking the bean, please knock!” I doubt you’re that close with them already. Know the moves.

“Hey guys, who will be back in the next hour? I need an opinion on an outfit”

“Who’s gonna be home to get some groceries in the next hour?”

Or just keep it simple. “Yo who’s gonna be home soon?” and if they ask why, just, “doing some intense quiet studying”.

This will tell you how much time you have.

 

Step 2: close. the. door.  

Maybe no one responds to your text. Maybe their phones are on silent or they have their phone in their backpack or you know what, they silenced the group chat because it’s normally just texts about who’s buying toilet paper next.

At SSU, all room doors automatically lock and its unlocked with the corresponding student ID, which, you can hear unlock the door. Thus giving you a few seconds warning. Also, for safe warning, maybe shut the lights because if you just so happened to be walked in on, you can pull the “you were taking a nap.”  Don’t feel bad or awkward if you’re walked in on, remember, human’s are not naturally suspicious and will probably make no assumption you’re doing what you’re doing. To get rid of them, really lay on the nap bit, “hey can you shut the lights?” or “hey can you keep it down?” and “how long are you gonna be? Can you shut the door?” The average person is gonna try and get out of your hair so you can smack - I mean, “nap.”

 

Step 3: The cover up.

No no, I literally mean the cover up. God forbid you’re walked in on, but if you have your garden just out on display with a handy-helper chilling next to you, it’s a lot harder to avoid the awkward situation. But if you have your blankets over you while you’re busy doin-the-dirt, then you can cut it and say you were trying to nap. I also recommend, if you do have a little plastic assistant of some kind, have it located in an easy access place. Under your pillow, blankets, under the bed, in a box or drawer next to the bed. If you keep it in a close spot in bed then you don’t have to worry about sneaking it back later or anything.

 

Step 4: go to town.

Alright, your roommates are gone for the next two hours in class, doors closed, lights low, you’re snuggled in your blankets and you pull the buzzing bee to your flower out from the drawer and just take a breathe, “ahhhh, me time.” Do your thing girl.

 

Man was that awesome. Maybe go twice.

 

Double awesome.

 

Step 5: catch on.

Okay so now you know, Katy has class from 3:15 - 5:15 pm and Jenny leaves at 3:45 for her internship and since you get out of class at 3:30, that means you have at least an hour and 15 minutes if you get through all your steps by 4. Dope. The schedules the same about every other week.

Step 6: use ya brain.

Every time you notice you have a hot minute (probably more than a minute), take advantage of your opportunities. You might get too caught up in the hustle and bustle next time. Me time is healthy, take care of yourself.

 

Girls are often times sexually repressed and there is no social medium between “slut” and “prude.”  It is very important for girls, the same as boys, to embrace their sexuality and embrace their self love. Masturbation helps increase blood flow to the genitals, flushes out the area to prevent infections, improves morale and overall just benefits the person's health and wellbeing. Girls should not be ashamed of this perfectly natural call to self love or the natural things that assist them in it. Who you are naturally, is who you are perfectly and should be proudly. Let your sexuality empower you...and remember to shut the door.

 

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