Dear Reader,
This is for you. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never been in a relationship before or if you’ve been through a hundred. I’m writing to you because I searched for months looking for closure— something that should feel concrete, stable and secure. Some people find it and others never will. This is the story of how I found it.
It doesn’t matter who he was or what our relationship was like. What matters was how he made me feel when we were alone. What matters was how he showed he cared. It felt like a blink of an eye when it ended. As soon as he was there, he was gone.
I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I tried talking to friends about him but the conversation always turned to, “He was an idiot for not seeing you as the amazing person you are. Let him go.” I tried, I really did.
Day after day, my mind would turn to him. The images became a film reel playing on constant loop that I would turn to as soon as I left the present moment. The longer this behavior went on, the more I started to question my thoughts. I told myself to stop searching for him, shutting down every memory that popped up. I thought I was handling a bad habit—thinking of him all the time is wrong, isn’t it?
He was always there—at least in memories. Too much time passed and I knew it needed to stop. My life was changing and so was I.
I made up my mind to talk with the girl who introduced me to him—who also used to date him. She was a good friend first and foremost; I trusted her opinion and judgment. Second of all, she knew him in the same context that I had. To be completely honest, I was nervous to talk to her because I’d never talked about him with someone who knew him personally.
She gave me the wisest piece of advice I have heard in a very long time:
“It’s okay. It’s totally okay for you to think about him. Let yourself think of him as much as you can. We are emotional creatures so don’t shut yourself down. It’s a good thing to feel, especially if he made you feel happy. The more you repress your emotions, the more you will have trouble dealing with the negative ones. You’re not trying to bring him back, you’re just remembering the best parts. You’re not hurting yourself by actively remembering him. You’re accepting that it’s okay to remember good times. It’s nothing to be upset about.”
In accepting the memories for what they are, a weight lifted from my mind. She and I talked more about the things he used to do and what he was like. I could be honest with her about everything. The more I talked about him, the calmer I felt. Reminiscing made me happy, something I thought I couldn’t recognize anymore.
Some people say that closure is impossible. Yet after days of mental peace, I’m starting to believe something else. Something new.
I think there is a romantic aspect falling out of love because I see the beauty in nostalgia. It’s looking through an old scrapbook, but instead of pictures of childhood, it’s the little things I remember. The looks only he could give me, the ones where we could hold conversations without having to say a word. There are things I’m not going to forget— frankly I don’t want to. I know he’s happy. I can picture it as clearly as I see him sometimes. That fact does not make me upset, not like it used to.
After this Valentine’s day, I’m looking for love just like everyone else, but I’m searching for it in the life I’m making for myself. I can tell you for a fact, me and life? We’re doing pretty great together.
Lots of Love,
Anonymous