Do you ever go back and re-watch movies from childhood, and notice some plot holes and jokes that went right over your head as a kid? I do the same thing and this week, I watched “Twilight” again. Man, do I have some thought-provoking observations for you.
1. How did Bella get a cactus through airport security? Did she stuff it in her checked bag or somehow sneak it past TSA? Never have I seen someone carry a live plant through airport security.
2. Forks, Washington is in an almost constant state of rain, yet no one seems to get frizzy hair, like ever. I can’t tell you how many times I have curled or straightened my hair without knowing it was going to rain and then my hard work was completely ruined just by walking outside.
3. In biology, Bella says of the rain, “Any cold, wet thing I don’t really like,” and Edward laughed, but I never understood the joke until now. Giant “that’s what she said” joke.
4. When the car is skidding toward Bella in the parking lot, Bella totally had enough time to run out of the way. It’s the “Twilight” version of “both Rose and Jack could have fit on the door.”
5. Also, why is Bella the only one that realized that Edward went from one side of the parking lot to the other in .5 seconds and stopped the car with his hand? Do they just think he ran over for moral support?
6. So Charlie has been the Chief of Police in Forks for like 30 years, so he should know a large majority of the people in Forks. When Carlisle, who has lived in Forks for years, walks in to check on Bella in the ER and Bella mentions Edward, shouldn’t Charlie already know who Edward is, considering there are like 3000 people who live in the town?
7. Edward, an apple doesn’t bounce like that. It totally defies all laws of physics.
8. Bella could have saved herself a night of stress and anguish by just looking up vampire facts online. She skips all the websites about Quileutes and goes to the physical bookstore that would have had the same facts as the website. It’s only after a night of getting harassed by four drunk guys that she looks in the book for 5 seconds, then goes back to the Internet for answers.
9. When Bella wants to confront Edward about being a vampire, does no one else in the school notice them just walk off into the woods by themselves? It’s pretty obvious, but no one seems to pay attention.
10. Is anyone going to address that Bella somehow thinks that Edward stalking her and admitting to her that he is a killer is romantic? He actually says, “As if you could outrun me, as if you could fight me off,” which is a major red flag. Anyone else would have run for the hills.
11. “Hold on tight, spider monkey” is probably the single most awkward line in Hollywood history. Also, you can slightly see the rope that Robert Pattinson is tied to as he jumps out the window.
12. When Edward and Bella finally confirm their relationship by walking into school together, Edward is wearing sunglasses… which means the sun is out… which means he and his four siblings sitting in the convertible car should be sparkling, and therefore not at school.
13. So in the dance studio, James is super scary and looks at Bella in three different mirrors… but that’s not how mirrors work. In order for James to look directly at Bella in three different mirrors, he would have had to change his direction of sight three different times, all of which wouldn’t be at Bella directly.
14. So Bella is totally bleeding out on the floor in the dance studio and Jasper comes to kill James, but as the worst one about human blood, should he be trying to eat Bella?
15. Bella’s mom wears chokers way before it’s cool.
16. Considering how Bella’s last date with Edward ended up, why did Charlie let her go with him to the prom? I feel like a parent should try to veto that relationship.
17. How did a high school approve of legitimate gambling at prom?
18. Bella expected to get bitten at prom, but considering what happened the first time… did she really want to be convulsing on the ground and screaming bloody murder in the middle of prom?
19. Vampires can smell other vampires, so shouldn’t Edward have been able to smell Victoria at the prom???
20. This entire movie happened within 2 months, which isn’t a plot hole, but I never put into perspective how fast Edward and Bella happen as a couple.
All in all, the image of this amazing love story and fantastic effects that I had had is now totally ruined. It has been replaced by memories of the cringiest interactions and laughably subpar effects.