“I don’t know how much of school I’m gonna attend but I’m gonna go in and talk to my deans and everyone and hope that I can try and balance it all. But I do want the experience of like game days, partying… I don’t really care about school, as you guys all know.”
– Olivia Jade Giannulli
Hey guys! Do SAT and ACTs seem like a chore? Do academics and meaningful extracurriculars make you snore? But, does the idea of going to colleges for the lit parties and wild games seem like a total score? Then keep reading to see how some of your favorite celebrities and wealthy heirs have been mastering the game for decades!
Here’s a step-by-step guide to EFFORTLESSLY getting into some of the nation’s top colleges and universities:
1. Make sure to apply as a legacy.
This significantly narrows down the number of schools to pick from – now the decision lies in if you want to go to USC or Georgetown. You kind of wanted to add Stanford or Yale to the list, but unfortunately, aunts and uncles don’t hold water in the admissions room as much as mom and dad. But now all you have to do is piggyback off of the family name– those valuable “alumni connections” come into play, in university lingo. What a relief!
2. Have your parents make a totally coincidental “donation” to the school!
Wow, alumni are so dedicated to their schools! And your parents recently felt the need to be *extra* generous in the middle of application season. Now the institution knows that you’ll be able to pay those tuition bills on time and then some! Plus, they’ll have a newly constructed dorm or athletic center when you roll up on campus in August. There’s no better way to show that you’re committed to the school, am I right?
3. Struggling on those standardized tests? Get super exclusive “tutoring”…or better yet, hire someone else to take it for you!
Why waste your time like hundreds of thousands of other kids when you can enjoy your senior year instead? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Word problems have never been your thing TBH, and those reading and writing sections totally stressed you out. The solution: get a person who actually likes taking tests (or earning a little extra cash) to take it instead– they get the money, you reap the benefits of a stellar score you might not have gotten on your own merits… it’s a win-win!
4. Sharpen those acting skills and pretend to be a D1 athletic recruit!
Pro tip: Photoshop helps a LOT, especially if you’ve never played a sport in your life. Colleges love having students that possess athletic prowess, so money + sporty = a killer combo. It does wonders for bulking up that resume!
5. …Giving someone a payday “bonus” never hurts, either.
Coaches do a lot and are your friend in this process. Express that gratitude with a little more cash flow and maybe they’ll teach you how to actually play the sport! Can’t have those other students who have spent countless hours and many years training for the sport getting suspicious, especially since you never show up to actual practices.
6. In this world, it’s either kill or be killed….. Whatcha gonna do?
The college admissions process is cutthroat, with all these people who actually study and work hard (do they even have a life???). Sometimes, you just have to throw the morals and laws that run this country out the window in order to get a leg up on the competition! Go forth, and finesse your way into that top-tier school!