50 Shades of Awkward

*Spoiler Alert*
The recently released 50 Shades of Grey has recieved a lot of publicity - but not all good. Critics have claimed that the movie portrays outright abuse, as well as implying that rapist and stalker tendencies should be considered “sexy” or “hot.” Having read all three of the books when they first became popular, I've never thought that the concepts or characters were abusive or sexist. The BDSM aspect of the book was never an issue for me. However, I do think that the writing is weak and the plot line thin. The characters are simplistic, with predictable choices, and the entire idea of the book was cheesy and overdone (can you say Twilight on Viagra?). 
Yet, with high hopes that the movie would fill in some of the gaping plot holes and cover for the redundant and awkward writing, I went to see it this past weekend as part of a girls’ night out. Let me start with this – I had a really good time at the movie. Now, let me stop you again – it’s not for the reason you’re thinking. The movie was nowhere near good. It was, actually, so bad that it was great. Between the uncomfortable acting and the horrible score, I was laughing at scenes that were supposed to be sexy, and cringing at scenes that were presumably intended to be intense or emotional. “50 Shades of Trainwreck,” “50 Shades of I’m Hungry Give Me A Bite of Your Toast,” or “50 Shades of OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING” would all have been better titles for the movie. So, in order to explain the sheer awkwardness of the movie, I’ve come up with my “top 21” awkward moments of 50 Shades of Grey.
1. The Pencil 
Anastasia forgets her pen and has to borrow a pencil from Mr. Grey, but rather than actually using it to write anything, just puts it in her mouth a few times for a nice metaphoric image.
2. The Elevator
The book describes Christian and Anastasia as parting with a lustful “Anastasia” and “Christian,” but in the movie it is portrayed as an awkward goodbye in which the elevator doors close in their faces. Why??
3. The Hardware Store 
Anastasia is peacefully working in her flannel when an impeccably groomed Christian appears in the aisle and buys – lo and behold – some bondage tools: tape, zip ties, and rope. Obvious, much?
4. The Coffee Date 
I don’t even know what happened in this scene because I was laughing so hard. 
5. The Street Scene 
In classic romance style, Anastasia almost gets run over by a bike, and Christian saves her – what a hero. Then, he tells her how he can’t stay away from her. Here I’m seeing some of that “stalker” tendency stuff.
6. The Drunk Scene
This is by far my actual favorite scene of the movie. Finally Anastasia seems to have a bit of personality, and is actually a human. “I will launder this item” was the one line of good writing for the entire movie.
7. The Toast 
8. The Helicopter Seatbelt 
Okay Christian, I am pretty sure Ana can buckle her own seatbelt. No need to feel her up at every opportunity.
9. “I don’t make love. I f***. Hard.” 
This is quite possibly the most awkward line ever spoken in the entire history of cinema. 
10. The Bathtub Scene 
The lack of dialogue makes this scene truly weird. If you are a book reader, you understand the sexual tension and the reason for the bath, but for the movie-goer this scene is incredibly random.
11. Where did he get that wine and those glasses and why didn’t the writers explain this scene more?
Imagine- Ana sends an email joking that she doesn’t want to see Christian anymore. Then, he SHOWS UP AT HER HOUSE WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE AND TWO GLASSES. WHERE DID HE GET THE GLASSES? HOW DID HE GET IN?
12. The Sports Bra 
Anastasia goes on a run, then Christian does the showing up with the wine thing. HE UNDRESSES HER AND HER ZIP FRONT SWEATY SPORTS BRA IS POSSIBLY THE MOST UNAPPEALING THING EVER.
13. The Spanking 
This is just a weird scene. He spanks her gently like she’s a 6 year old who misbehaved. And she enjoys it. 
14. The Flip Phone 
Let’s talk about the fact that she has a 2008 style Razr flip-phone. Christian buys her a car, a laptop, and first edition books, but can’t spring for an iPhone with a data plan?
15. The Newspaper Picture 
Holy embarrassing, she looks like a deer caught in the headlights.
16. The Braid 
The movie never explains the fact that he learned to braid as a real part of the plotline. They just have him randomly braiding her hair. 
17. The Peacock Feather
Where.Why. How.What.
18. The Admittance 
“I’m fifty shades of f***ed up” was meant to be a sad revelation  but was just funny.
19. The Whipping 
SHE JUST LAY THERE SO ODDLY and it was supposed to be emotional and powerful but it was just so AWKWARD.
20. The Elevator Again 
“Anastasia” “Christian” rushed goodbyes that sounded scared rather than lustful AGAIN.
21. The Credits 
When did this movie end and why are there names on the screen now.