VT College Student Mourns the Loss of Many Hometown Squirrels

Colchester, VT— After receiving a phone call from her sorrowful mother, a Vermont college student joins her fellow New Hampshirites in mourning the loss of hundreds of grey squirrels this fall. “There are just so many,” reports her mom. “Three of them are climbing the stairway to Heaven thanks to me alone.” Completely frazzled, the student couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It’s truly devastating that these poor rodents fail to realize that just beyond the edge of the black pavement, lies the Promised Land. Lacking moral support from her 603-hating college friends, the girl had no other choice but to drive home, down Interstate 89, where she witnessed the most traumatizing roadkill rendition of Romeo and Juliet.  

Upon her return to school on Sunday, the girl reportedly spent an absurd amount of money on a flight from Manchester, NH to Burlington, VT in hopes of sparing the lives of at least a few of the suicidal creatures. At press time, the girl was found sobbing in the bathroom of her dorm after accidentally saying that the “whole thing is nuts.” It was evidently too soon for puns—intended or not.   


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