Welcome back to the blog about dating a trans man. If you’ve been here before, I appreciate your dedication to reading this little reality show about my life. If this is your first time, let’s run a recap on what happened last week!
My boyfriend, Grayson, is trans. We’ve been dating for nine months, to no surprise to our closest friends, and during that time Grayson has begun taking steps toward transition. The farther into transition, the more questions people have. The more questions people have, the more I wished there was some way to tell people, tell everyone, what it was really like dating a trans guy. Which is where we left off: your burning questions, and my adequate attempt at answering them (sometimes with food analogies).
So we’ve created the foundation–trans boyfriend, straight girlfriend, Ben and Jerry’s ice cream–now it’s time to get to business. This time we are going to cover a few blessings and curses I’ve experienced having a trans boyfriend. This is specifically aimed at my experience and one in which Grayson has only begun transitioning during our relationship. Some of these may not apply to dating a man post transition, some may not even apply to your own trans boyfriend. Again, purely my own experience.
The easiest way to break this down is an old fashioned bullet list. First, the good.
The blessings of dating Grayson:
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As expected, and perhaps the most common one people think about: he is not afraid of my period. All the gory, bloody details. All the ice cream, chocolate, and heating pads. Even knowing the difference between a regular tampon and a super plus tampon. No education needed, Grayson has got it.
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I am not afraid of my own body. Sometimes as women we feel we have to offer our partners this perfected version of ourselves. But having grown up in a biologically female body, Grayson knows what it is like to feel that pressure. He never once batted an eye at my leg hair, just laughed and pushed me away when he sniffed my armpit post gym, and has accepted the cruel fate of my shedding hair as a necessary evil.
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Since day one, we have been forced to communicate more than the average couple. We had to establish boundaries, decide how to answer questions from friends and family, and so on. In essence, we’ve become a team, often over-communicating. As a result of this, you can see a comfortability around me when talking about trans issues. Not because I know everything (trust me, I don’t), but because I’ve made more mistakes than anyone else. And I know no matter how stupid the question, or how tough it might be, I can always go to him and ask.
The curses of dating a Grayson:
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People believe that I am part of Grayson’s trans identity. In other words, the coincidence of us dating and his coming out led quite a few people to turn a suspicious eye to me. Was my sexual orientation as a straight woman influencing this sudden change in identity? The answer: no.
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Sometimes, people think that since I am not the trans person in the relationship, they can ask me more ~personal~ questions without me feeling any offense. In addition, people like to test the waters of trans humor around me. I ask you.. please don’t.
Well, there was my rather short, not nearly complete list of a few of the pros and cons of dating my boyfriend. Our relationship extends to a lot more than his trans identity. We were best friends first, and always will be, regardless of who we are as people. But I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge it as a key part, usually in a way that bonds us even closer. Every triumph he feels, I feel 100x over. His first binder was a day of celebration and masculinity. The long journey of choosing a name became a game for us, often picking names out of the credits in Black Panther or whatever the newest movie was. And finally taking testosterone felt like a weight relieved from our shoulders, forcing us to convene (now with our roommates) every Monday at 11 a.m. to show support and offer strength. Like any relationship, we have the good, we have the bad, and we have the questions. And just like any other relationship, we grow. The only difference between us and a normal heterosexual, cis couple is.. change has become our best friend.