When I was only three years old, I decided that I was a Kate. Katelyn was fine in formal instances, such as when I was introduced as Princess Katelyn from the Land of Missouri (obviously). However, I was not, and never would be, a Katie. Even then, I had a strong will when it came to my name. I am insulted when people try to call me Katie and have always insisted that they call me Kate. Because that is my name, it is important to me, and it always will be.
I remember one of the first times I began to realize the underlying sexism that is within marriage practices in the U.S. I was sitting at the reception celebration for my cousin’s wedding and was waiting for the happy couple to make their entrance. In this instance, I was from the bride’s side of the family. I still remember when my cousin was introduced by her husband’s first and last name, and even at 12 years old, I thought that was insulting to her. While I understood that she was taking her husband’s last name, it did not make any logical sense that she was not even being referred to by her first name.
I am not the first woman who does not want to be referred to by her spouse’s first name. At some point in time, I decided that I would always be Kate Thornhill, regardless of whether or not I get married.
So why do we keep referring to women by their husbands’ names? And why is it so controversial when a woman keeps her maiden name?
This idea of a woman being referred to by her husband’s last name relates to a concept from English common law called coverture, where a woman took her husband’s name upon marriage and basically became legally nonexistent. Under this law, she could not own property, make contracts or own businesses. She also had no rights to her children or her own body.
While we obviously do not practice coverture to this extent in the United States anymore, it can still be considered taboo when a woman decides to keep her maiden name when she gets married.
I find this to be especially interesting, especially now as more and more women are becoming the breadwinners of their families. In 2023, a Pew Research Center article found that in 45% of heterosexual marriages, women either make equal financial contributions or are the primary or sole breadwinners of their household. This article also addressed that even when women are in these roles, they also still contribute to the majority of household chores and caregiving.
There are many reasons why I am shocked that more women do not keep their maiden names when they get married, but this is by far one of the most compelling.
However, for those of you who know that, for whatever reason, traditional naming practices are not for you, you are not alone.
Many women in opposite sex relationships choose to keep their maiden name when they get married. According to a Pew Research Center article from 2023, 14% of women made the decision to keep their maiden name, while 5% decided to hyphenate.
I myself will be a proud member of that 14% should I ever get married.
As a future lawyer, I will build a career off my maiden name. For the sake of having consistency with clients, it is much easier for me to keep my maiden name. For an arguably more important reason, I also happen to like my last name. As I have made abundantly clear, I am passionate about my name and my surname is no exception.
However, it should not matter what career a woman is going into. If she wants to keep her last name, this is not an insult to her partner but a personal choice. And on the flip side, if she wants to take her husband’s name, that is not necessarily a symbol of patriarchal oppression.
No matter the decision a woman makes, it is important that it remains her choice, free from societal pressures. Unfortunately, when a woman does decide to keep her maiden name, a lot of people think that it is up for debate and some may even infer that she does not love her husband as much as a woman who takes her husband’s name.
It is not fair that women have to explain this choice when it is simply their decision. There are a variety of reasons why any given woman may have made this decision, and the vast majority of these reasons should not be insulting to anyone. A woman’s name is not up for debate, it is her choice.