After I realized that being single was not a death sentence, I truly began to analyze myself and who I wanted to be with when I decided to have a partner. As I began to look at what I want in a partner, such as being kind and considerate, having a decent fashion sense, the ability to have deep conversations about life and the emotional maturity that lends itself to the development of a genuinely nice human, I began to realize why I had never had a boyfriend before: boys weren’t ready for the level of commitment that I was. Or, if they were ready for that commitment, some other girl had seen their potential and snatched them off the market before I could scope them out.
I was casually dating to try to figure out what I truly wanted when I should have been dating intentionally to find a man that fulfilled all of my criteria. Here is why I am dating with the intention.
1. Opposites Do Not Always Attract
Let me start with storytime. I dated this guy, let’s call him Jake. He was a great friend that I connected with before we started dating. But within the first few months of dating Jake, I realized that we were very incompatible in both our core beliefs and cultural backgrounds. These major differences led to a breaking point of knowing that things would not work out, and we ultimately ended up parting on relatively good terms.
The reason I share this story about Jake is because there is the age-old saying, “opposites attract.” However, I think that there is something to be said about being in a relationship with someone that holds similar beliefs as you. As I search for a person to spend the rest of my life with, it is important to find someone who holds the same values as I.
2. Who a Guy Becomes is Not My Business
Let’s imagine that there is a guy, we will call him Connor. This guy is exactly everything that I have imagined for myself, except he has a small little problem. Every night after coming home from his job as a stock broker, Connor likes to release stress by smoking a cigar and drinking an excessive amount of brandy from one of his crystal decanters to make him feel like a “rich man.” I recognize that this current state of Connor is not the one that I would like to marry because, after his first two glasses of brandy, he starts to become verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Despite this, I stay with him because I can see the potential in Connor if he would just limit his alcohol intake.
I share this anecdote not to minimize the struggles of domestic abuse survivors to leave their partners, but to illustrate why these reasons for staying within a relationship like this are not sound. What a man will become is none of my business during a relationship. While Connor does have so much potential since he has a good job and is a nice man when he is not excessively drinking, that does not mean that one day he will wake up and decide to be that good man. And I cannot wait around hoping that this miracle will happen.
3. Who a Man Was is Not My Business Either
Likewise, what a man was before I met him is none of my business. Picture the college playboy that ran around and “played house” with many women. Now, he is a mature man ready for a committed relationship, but the person he is interested in cannot get over his past that he is open about. In all honesty, what he did as a teen or in his early 20’s is none of mine or anybody else’s business if he has truly changed. Ultimately, this would be like a man holding a woman’s past mistakes against her, which we all know is infuriating beyond belief.
The moral of the story: who a guy was or could become is not my business. My focus is on evaluating who he is now.
4. Not Everything Needs to be Done Together
Since I have begun dating with the intention of marrying, I have realized that one day, I could end up living with this person. As a college student, the idea of marriage and living with a partner can be daunting, especially for those of us still experiencing mild PTSD from living with 70 stinky engineers our freshman year.
I bring this up because I do not think that I need to do everything with my prospective partner. In fact, I probably need to start setting some boundaries that will allow me to have parts of myself apart from any relationship that I am in. My boyfriend should be able to go golfing without me, and I should be able to go shopping at the mall without him.
Although it is important to grow with a partner in a relationship, it is equally important to continue growing on your own. And in order to grow on your own, you need to have alone time.
5. Picking My Battles
I saw a TikTok earlier this week of a woman unapologetically explaining the tangible differences between girlfriends and “wifies.” She explained that a girlfriend will pick a fight over anything and everything while a wife will see their man as an investment and choose their battles accordingly.
There are two girls: Chelsea and Taylor. Both of these girls have just gotten into committed relationships with nice men that have decent jobs and ambition in life. The main difference in the two relationships is while Chelsea is secure in the time that she spends with her man and will communicate if she needs additional attention, Taylor expresses these same feelings by making her man feel guilty for going out for guys night or consistently texting to interrupt his night.
When planning on staying with someone for a while, people sometimes unknowingly adjust their actions to be more communicative and less intrusive to their partner. I have noticed that doing this fosters a more mature and healthy relationship where both individuals are happy to be there.
While you certainly don’t have to be dating intentionally, I have found that dating in this way saves unnecessary heartache and confusion. There’s no way to know if the guy that you go on a first date with will end up being your husband, but there is something to be said about dating with the intention for things to work.
I would describe my dating tactics as this: I wouldn’t say that I am dating to marry, but I’m not dating to break up. I think knowing that much is enough intention to realize that your boyfriend could be staying around a while and avoid unnecessary fights that will cause hurt.