I have noticed this year as a senior, much like when I was a freshman, that people have a set of expectations and a script in mind when they talk to you. I remember being aware of these assumptions my first year at SLU; I knew that people would see me as young, inexperienced and dumb when it came to the ways of college. And I agreed with the assumptions they made. I did not feel like I knew what I was doing, and I was happy to hear others’ advice.Â
This year, when I meet new people, some wrongly assume I am a freshman, and others are insultingly unsurprised that I am a senior (do I really seem old?). I have been told that I look young, and I have been told that I act mature. Eventually, when I say I am a senior, the person I am talking to will ask me what I am doing after I graduate. I dread this question so much that I will often quickly change the subject before they can ask or avoid sharing my senior status entirely.Â
People ask me if I am excited to be a senior, and I am always truthful about the fact that I am not. Do not get me wrong, I love sounding mature, I love the traditions and the benefits are nice. I like feeling like I have a routine, having stable friend groups, while still meeting new people and taking classes that are almost entirely major-related. But because there is so much I love about college, I hate that this is my last year to experience all of it. I hate closing the book on things like Oriflamme and realizing that with every activity I do, it will be the last time I do those things at SLU. I love the seasonal routine: the Festival of Nations, the Great Forest Park Balloon Race, Apple picking at Eckert’s and Friendsgiving. I feel it all slipping away, and the year has barely started. I cannot help it, I am a very sentimental person. And I also cannot help that I love being a student. I love going to class, reading interesting books, being surrounded by so many people my age and yes, I genuinely enjoy writing essays. So realizing it is my last year for all of this sucks.Â
When I was a freshman, I looked to the seniors I met as a source of confidence and wisdom. They had been riding the college roller coaster for three years, so they had advice on handling the twists and turns. They always seemed so mature and sure of themselves. They had a sense of who they were and where they were going after college. It was reassuring to see that these questions would presumably be resolved for me, too, especially as a freshman with an undecided major.Â
Now I am tasked with hurrying up and answering these future-focused questions, and I feel lost. I do not know what post-graduate life has in store for me. While I have some ideas, I do not have the same pre-determined path that many other seniors have, like going to medical school or law school or getting some other kind of post-graduate degree. Nor did I have some kind of business internship over the summer that gave me relationships with companies to jump off from.Â
My uncertainty is not made easier by the fact that so many people have neat perceptions of what they think someone like me should do. When people hear about my majors in English and History, everyone expects me to go into teaching or law school. While I have not entirely ruled these options out, I resent the fact that people assign these futures to me so easily. I am confident in the things I am passionate about, but because those are mostly related to being a student and being involved in clubs at SLU, I do not feel like I can easily translate these interests into a job that fits, and certainly not into a life that feels as comfortable as my life at SLU.Â
I wish that people would not jump to these conclusions, but even more, I hope that people find more interesting things to ask seniors about. I remember having the same frustrations in high school, when being a senior meant constantly talking about college decisions. Of course, it makes sense to ask a high school senior about this, but when these questions are all you hear, and even more so when you have uncertainty about your answers, it can be hard to want to talk to anyone about these things. I have vowed to try not to ask seniors (high school or college) these kinds of questions, because I know how repetitive and fraught these conversations can be, no matter how harmless they seem on the surface.Â
Even if you have a straight path figured out, like going to medical school to pursue a specific kind of medicine, there is so much that life can throw in the way to mess those plans up. It is hard for so many people to envision their future, given the state of employment and higher education in the United States right now, too. So why do we constantly bring up these anxiety-inducing questions, when it can be more fun to live in the moment while we can?Â
Seniors are still just students and potential friends, even if they are people at a pivotal time in their lives. It is so easy to talk to non-seniors about their lives, so why not try and do that more often? You may just get the answers you were fishing for anyway. It feels good to know what people’s lives will look like, but do not let personal urges to scratch that itch take over the more precious opportunity of connecting with someone.
The other day, I listened to a professor talk about her professional path. I have always loved these conversations because they remind me of how nonlinear most people’s lives are. I asked this professor when she started feeling like she was an adult. She candidly replied that she still does not feel like one. She went on to say that sometimes she feels like it, like when she reflects on having a house, children and a stable job, but other days, it is less clear-cut. I related to this when I reflected on whether I feel like a senior or not. Sometimes I feel grounded and confident, and other times, I feel like I do not have anything figured out.Â
Maybe I will never really feel like a senior or know what I want to do with my future, but I do know that through every moment, I can find a way to make more memories. To just keep going, even if this path is ending. The memories and lessons learned along the way will bring me enough joy to keep me going, wherever life takes me next.