COVID-19 has got the world on its knees, but not just because of the deadly virus going around that’s got us wearing masks everywhere, following safety guidelines and isolating ourselves—our suffering is also in the way that we display our physical affection and our love for one another. We’ve all had to adapt, and I will be honest: it has been a rollercoaster of a struggle.
The millions of deaths worldwide are heart-shattering, and it’s our devastating but crucial reality right now that humankind must refrain from connecting with one another in the most basic and instinctive ways. We all have to isolate ourselves as often as possible in order to protect the ones we care about the most, and it has not been easy, not for anyone. I often wonder how valiant and resilient we as people can be, especially with the loss of one of our most everyday acts of compassion and love—physical touch.
According to renowned author and psychologist, Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five types of love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Giving/Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Here is a link to take the quiz to see what love language you are.
I remember taking this quiz in my Bible study group freshman year of college. We were sitting in a small chapel room, hunched closely together (as people did in the pre-COVID days), with a warm, pinkish glow emitting from the lamplight, when my friend brought up this test she had read about. She was surprised with its accuracy, and excitedly encouraged us to take it and then share what we got.
Although in my test results, words of affirmation was a very close second, my primary love language is physical touch.
In an article from The Scientist entitled “Losing Touch: Another Drawback of the COVID-19 Pandemic,” it is stated that “the feeling of security that comes with holding hands or hugging is a result of a cascade of physical and biochemical changes in the body and the brain that can counter the fight-or-flight response.” In simpler words, simple touch is beyond important in how we interact with others and how we feel towards our own lives, our own selves. It makes us feel safe and feel trust in both our relationships and our external surroundings. Touch helps us to develop our sensory perception, and as a very descriptive and intimate person, I rely on physical touch a lot in my daily life.
Of course, physical touch is not the only way to be intimate or interact with someone. There are ways to touch someone’s heart and soul while keeping your hands to yourself. Reminding myself of this is comforting and makes me feel hopeful about my relationships with other people during this unprecedented time.
But for me, physical touch is not just about sexual content. For me personally, physical touch being my love language also means fierce hugging, nudging someone gently when I laugh at one of our crazy stories, and using my fingertips to trace different objects when I travel or go somewhere new. It’s the stroke of a cheek, my head on their shoulder, the holding of a hand, the sly slap with my fingers, the pat of an arm.
Now of course, I can’t drag my fingertips along clothes or the spines of books at indie bookstores, or even the smooth marble table at my best friend’s kitchen. I can’t be in close proximity to other people, or dance the night away together after a long week of work or studying, or even cuddle closely on the couch to watch a movie.
In today’s world, we have to use hand sanitizer religiously and make sure that we don’t accidentally touch someone or invade their personal space. It’s important for us to be mindful and considerate of the space we take up, and how we respect the people we care about without spreading the virus.
I’m also half-Filipino, and my family and friends from my mom’s side are very touch-based, which is so much fun but makes the current global situation so much worse. We hug, laugh, kiss, and do a lot of activities that require us to be very close-knit and huddled together. We’ve had to cancel a lot of these events and birthday celebrations in order to partake in the safety of everyone we love, which has been extremely challenging but necessary.
I never want to be one to dwell over what can’t be changed. And so, I’m currently trying my best to remain optimistic and find different ways to handle the lack of physical touch in our world.
I am coping by finding alternative and innovative ways to practice my love language safely. One of my best friends, Jesslyn, who goes to a school several hours away from me, sent me a huge stuffed Yoda that I can squeeze when I am feeling overwhelmed or in need of something physical to hug. I highly recommend getting something comforting to transfer physical touch to, whether it be adopting a real pet that you can spend time with, or if you’re in an on-campus apartment like me, you might just need a cute plush animal instead.
In addition, body language is also important to me, so I try to sit up straight, give a positive smile, and demonstrate good posture during my online classes and when I’m leading Zoom meetings. Giving eye contact, especially when half of our faces are covered by our masks, is equally comforting to me, and helps me to feel grounded when I am talking to my friends and even to strangers.
Furthermore, talking about my love language and communicating my needs to others has been very beneficial. Like with everything, I journal my feelings a lot and artistically express myself, which I highly recommend doing. Whether it be through art or through your words, nothing is more calming than finding a safe way to process your emotions and brainstorm ideas on how to cope. Imagination is an important thing, and the familiar touch of a paintbrush or a pen on paper helps to remind me of simpler days, and of the better times to come.
And if worse comes to worst, choosing to get tested with your significant other and then quarantining together is also a possibility. It’s hard to do this as college students though since we see so many different people on a daily basis, and want to limit the risk of exposure. But I would recommend getting tested for COVID-19 first and understanding the sacrifices and risks before choosing to isolate together.
Physical touch is powerful, and I cannot wait for the day where we can all safely be together again, with our families, friends and significant others, without having to worry about this basic human need. But until then, my thoughts are with you all. Be there for your friends whose love languages revolve around touch. Intimacy is difficult right now, but not impossible.