The question of my identity has haunted me for years, and I have always turned to the people around me to answer it. Now, as I am fully coming into adulthood, I am being forced to answer that question on my own.
I have struggled with living for others, instead of for myself, for as long as I can remember. I stayed quiet when I should have spoken up, I people-pleased and I took on the personality traits of those around me. Figuring out who I am, outside of how others see me, has always seemed a daunting, impossible task.
A switch has flipped, though. I have felt a pull to stick up for myself, to set better boundaries and, for the sake of my mental health, to not let those who have hurt me back into my life. This used to be a confusing decision for me because I always wanted to avoid making a situation awkward.
Where I once stayed quiet when someone made a comment I disagreed with, I have started pushing back. Where I once accepted every invitation without a second thought, eventually causing me to feel drained, now, I have started to consider whether I have the mental capacity to be around people and have not shied away from declining invitations.
I have started to make it very clear when I do not like someone, simply choosing not to speak to them, instead of engaging in unnecessary small talk. I am not ashamed of doing so, no matter how shocked people might be. While this feels foreign to who I used to be, I have found that I finally do not care how people react.
For the first time in my life, nothing matters more to me than sticking up for myself and creating an identity outside of what others expect. Instead of tailoring what I say and who I am to what will make the people around me feel the most comfortable, I have started to do what makes me the most comfortable — respectfully, of course.
I have decided to be unabashedly myself, always, by saying what I think, wearing what I think is cool and doing what I want to do, rather than turning to other people to help me decide. Everyone I interact with will perceive the things I say and do differently, so why say or do anything that does not align with who I truly am?
I am, slowly but surely, learning to respect myself and embody an identity that feels like me. This does not mean it has been easy or straightforward, though.
I have often found myself caught between the throes of who I used to be and who I am becoming. I would have avoided conflict at all costs in the past, but now, I am ready to enter an argument to defend myself. People had always told me that I was kind, respectful or easy to get along with; however, I do not feel that way anymore.
In sticking up for myself and what I believe, I have angered some people, made conversations more awkward and distanced myself from that docile persona. I feel as if I am betraying or losing myself, because I no longer identify with the person who I had always been, or the personality that had always been assigned to me.
Without being sorted into neat little boxes of personality traits, I have not known how to define my identity. I have been searching for the new perfect words to describe myself and the paradox I have been living in. To my dismay, I have found nothing.
Every word seems too limiting. Once I describe myself a certain way, it feels like I cannot stray from that, and I have to be that person all the time. This has led me to the conclusion that identity cannot be contained in words.
Identity is confusing, multifaceted and ever-changing. Discovering your identity is a lifelong journey, and boxing yourself in with descriptive words could limit who you become. Simple words are not enough to define someone and capture them in their entirety.
The best way to define yourself is to let yourself be and flow with the changes in your identity. I have dealt with so much inner conflict because I was clinging onto the words and boxes that had been assigned to me, even though my identity had shifted away from that. I felt as if I was betraying myself; however, I was simply finding myself.
To find yourself means to allow yourself the space to be the person who feels most natural to you. If you find yourself wanting to speak up, separate from people you no longer connect with or deviate from your assigned “box,” then do it — this is how you will feel the most connected to your true identity.
Early adulthood is a confusing time as we are stepping into new identities. If we give ourselves grace as we grow and change, and allow our identities to develop in surprising new ways, we will come to know ourselves better than ever before.