I’ve always been lucky to have three sets of grandparents who, even despite geographical distances, have shown me love and support no matter what. But this year, my grandma passed away and it was my first experience with this kind of loss. For nearly 18 years of my life, I saw her at least once a week, if not more. She’d been sick since October 2019, but her health took a turn in late summer and she passed away in November 2020. Despite knowing it was coming, dealing with the emotional aftermath of her death was difficult and strangely isolating. I found myself googling “loss of a grandparent” just to make sense of everything I was feeling. Since then, I know I’ve come a long way, but I’ve learned that grief is definitely not a linear process or something that can be easily dealt with. That is why I wanted to write this article. Whether you’re struggling with a recent death or one that happened a while ago, losing a grandparent is something almost everyone has to go through, and luckily there are resources and advice that can make it easier. You don’t have to go through it alone.
First of all, it’s OK to have a lot of mixed emotions. Everyone has a different relationship with their grandparents depending on how close their family is, age, where everyone lives and a million other things. There is no right or wrong type of relationship to have, yet there is a lot of expectation on how to feel. People might expect you to be depressed or very openly sad even if you’re out trying to have fun. Oppositely, they might expect you to be over the loss quickly, especially if the death was expected or if your grandparent was very old. The truth is, you’ll probably feel all these things and more, but maybe not how or when you expect.
When you’re experiencing mixed emotions and grief, the best thing you can do is be kind to yourself. You might feel sad, angry, or even apathetic. It will probably change day to day. Something unexpected I experienced was the feeling of guilt. Like most people, I saw my grandma a lot less once I went away to college. It was also hard for my family to see her in the last months she was alive because of COVID-19 restrictions at her nursing home. Despite knowing it wasn’t my fault, I often felt sad and worried that I’d somehow let her down or not been there for her when she needed me. Over time, this feeling has definitely subsided which was a relief for me.
A good way to deal with losing a grandparent can be to make an effort to talk to your family about it. This is something I’ve sometimes struggled with because even though I am very close with my parents and sisters, we all handle grief very differently. Thus, trying to talk about something so sensitive can be hard, just because it is such a vulnerable and raw subject. Despite this, your family is often the only ones who know all those tender and special moments and memories, especially from early childhood. If talking to your family isn’t an option or doesn’t help, don’t be afraid to lean on your friends as well. Sometimes we don’t want to be seen as a “burden” to our friends, especially when we have nothing to offer but sadness. However, if someone is truly your friend, they want to be there for you and would rather you come to them than suffer alone. No matter which support system you choose, never be afraid to talk to an outside voice about your grief, especially if it becomes too much or starts interfering with your daily life. Even if you’ve never needed to see a therapist before, it can be really helpful and uplifting to talk to someone who is neutral, willing to listen and has your best interests at heart.
The final piece of advice I would share is to make every effort to remember and memorialize your grandparent. Because of COVID-19 restrictions, my family chose to have a private funeral which meant I didn’t get to see all the different people who would have come to support my family and remember my grandma. Instead, I had to make an effort to read the cards that people sent my family and the comments people left on social media. This actually really helped because so many of those messages brought up stories and details about my grandma that somehow made me feel closer to her, even though she is gone. When you feel ready, I also recommend looking at old pictures or home videos (maybe with your family) to help you think of and talk about happier times. Hanging on to special pictures, possessions and mementos can also serve as a way to always have your grandparent be present with you and a way to remind you of them. I know the last year of my grandma’s life was sad and frustrating for everyone involved, but before that there were more happy memories than I could ever remember. Holding on to those days allows me to be grateful for the time we did have together rather than resentful of the fact that she is gone.
No matter what, just remember that grieving is a much more drawn-out process than it seems. Even though I feel better than I did right after she died, I still struggle sometimes and have my moments where it all still feels so overwhelming. I’m grateful that she isn’t sick anymore and is in a better place; it doesn’t mean I don’t miss her any less. But just because I still miss her and feel sad doesn’t mean I have to do it alone—and you don’t either.