While eating lunch this past week with a good friend, the topic of living authentically came out of nowhere. I was discussing with my friend how I felt disappointed with the person I had become last semester. Waving my grilled chicken on ciabatta around I confessed, “Sometimes I’m not even sure who I am anymore. I’m not happy with the life I’m really living.” We both grew quiet as we pondered what it truly means to live authentically.
After this, I went back to my room feeling restless. My thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone. “When did I become the person who did what everyone told me to do?” I thought to myself. “When did I become the person who went along with what everyone else was doing?” Crawling under my covers at 3 P.M., I took a long, hard look at my life. As I reflected on my past semester, I grew more and more disappointed in myself.
I once read a quote by author Tehyi Hsieh that said, “Lean too much on other people’s approval and it becomes a bed of thorns.” I’m going to be honest with you, I’m a huge people pleaser. And to some extent, we all are. As humans, we are constantly seeking the approval of others to feel worthy and loved. It’s natural and normal, however, when we let it control our actions and decisions, it can be toxic for ourselves and our relationships with others. For instance, I have switched my major four times in two years because I was trying to please the adults in my life. I was too afraid to do what I really wanted to do, so I kept to myself. I was never truly happy with what I was doing.
There have been many times where I would second guess every decision. I would need people’s approval of what I was wearing or what I should do on the weekends. If I wanted to do something or join something, but no one else I knew was, then I wouldn’t do it. I was always so scared to do things without people by my side. Even if it was a great opportunity, I was still too afraid to something on my own. I never stood up for what I truly believed in, because I didn’t want to start arguments or disappoint other people. I didn’t want anyone to be mad at me. As a result of this, I started to grow extremely anxious, and I depended heavily on those around me to tell me who I was. It got to a point where I would look in the mirror and not even recognize myself. I no longer knew what my true values were or what I really wanted out of life. Instead, I was just living the life that people told me to live. I was doing things because someone else told me to, not because I really wanted to. I was in this major or this club because I was influenced by others to do so, even though I knew in my heart it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. Without hesitation, I dove head first into whatever it was people wanted me to do, because I wanted to please them. I thought that pleasing them would make me feel happy, but instead, it left me feeling empty and unfulfilled. All I wanted was for people to like me, and if that meant living by other people’s standards, then so be it.
Recently, another good friend of mine pulled me aside for a heart-to-heart talk. “Gels,” she said, “I think you need to start being more honest with yourself. I know you love to please other people, but if they tell you something that you don’t want to do, you don’t have to do it.” Without meaning to, a huge wave of emotion overcame me and I proceeded to break down in front of her. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Taking my hand she continued gently, “People aren’t going to hate you if you say no every now and then. People love you for you no matter what.”
After this much needed talk, I decided I had had enough. I was tired of not being true to myself or my values. So I recently came up with a list of what I believe to be my strongest traits: empathy, compassion, and joy. Instead of looking in the mirror and not recognizing who I am, I look at my reflection each day and tell myself: I am empathetic. I am compassionate. I am full of joy. Doing this simple exercise each day helps to ground me and to remind me of who I truly am at the core. By doing this, I have grown more confident in who I am and in the decisions I make. Whether it’s something small as going somewhere for lunch or changing my major, I have decided that this year I will do things for me. I need to remember that I deserve the same amount of care and love that I give to other people. I deserve that love, and so do you.
So, this year, I challenge you to truly live the way you want to live. Be authentic with yourself and those around you. Set small goals every day to work towards building that confidence. If it helps, find a few core traits about yourself that you love and use those to ground you. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to do, but no one else is doing it, do it anyway! Go abroad, ask that person out, join that club… you never know what will come from it. As the classical pianist Arthur Rubinstein once said, “I have found that when you love life, life will love you right back.”