“Chivalry is dead” is an oft-repeated refrain whenever men begin acting in impolite or even just mildly unexpected ways. In a modern setting, chivalry applies to a range of scenarios, understood as things men do to show respect, such as opening the door in a “ladies first” manner, paying the bill, carrying luggage or groceries, being a good listener or being a polite person. When men act in especially courteous ways, people exclaim, “chivalry is not dead!” I have often been unsure how to feel about chivalry, largely because I find it hard to define. As a strong, independent woman, I prize my self-sufficiency and do not always like the idea of submitting to a code of conduct that treats me as someone who needs helping. As a hopeless romantic with an overactive imagination, I like the idea of being cared for and treated like a princess.Â
Considering the historical origins of chivalry helps put the concept into perspective. Chivalry developed first as an ethics code for nobility in medieval Europe, used especially by knights who hoped to further their careers. The word “chivalry” is derived from the words in French for knight and horse. To be chivalrous was to be honorable, courageous, loyal, just, polite, generous and show military prowess. Chivalrous knights showed duty to both God and country by following this set of expectations. By the 14th century CE, chivalry became more explicitly connected to romantic relationships. Notions of chivalry were codified in handbooks for knights of various kingdoms and were dramatized in epics about heroic journeys, courtly love and damsels in distress. One of the largest aspects of chivalry was making class distinctions, implying that peasants and other lower-class individuals could not be knights, nor could they have the same honorable traits.
Look up chivalry and you will see countless articles on the history of the word, with little description of what it means in a modern context. You might also find articles using history to explain that chivalry has been dead for centuries. Today, chivalry is equated with men acting like gentlemen, being generous and respectful in ways that are traditionally connected to heterosexual partnerships. Nonetheless, people often use the word chivalry to make a point about the way things ought to be, influenced by their sense of right or being wronged, without considering that chivalry originally was much more about war tactics than romance.
I am thinking about chivalry, in part, because of a less-than-fantastic date that I went on a couple of years ago. It was one of my first dates ever, so I was nervous to interact with someone in a completely unfamiliar way. This was not helped by the fact that I did not know my date very well, nor did we have much of a plan for the date. We talked and walked around downtown, but as it was a rather cold evening, we popped in and out of many stores, just trying to keep warm. This extended walk also meant that we meandered a lot. This is how I noticed one of my date’s strange habits.Â
He insisted that he be on the street side of me wherever we walked, fiercely committed to the “sidewalk rule,” a tradition attributed to chivalry. As we took many turns, he circled me, constantly switching which hand of mine he was holding, which proved to be more inconvenient than polite, especially as we shared one pair of gloves between our four hands, meaning that half the time one bare hand was shivering, holding another while the gloved hand stayed toasty in our coat pockets. I had never heard of this walking practice, so it seemed very odd; what was the idea, that a car would go rogue and run into the sidewalk? Maybe we would be splashed by nonexistent puddles, and he would bear the brunt of the splatter? Ultimately, this strictly followed rule just ended up irritating me.
Later on, he bought a rather expensive scarf, I guess to impress me, offering to buy me one as well, flexing his generosity, which I politely declined. Just a few steps outside the store, he confessed that he regretted buying it. Finally, at every shop or stop along the way, he lunged for the door, eager to open each one for me. I found this well-intentioned, but odd, considering that half of the time I was much closer and better positioned to grasp the handle. Though he was a very sweet guy and we had genuine conversations, I broke things off with him early on. As nice as he was, there was something about his affect that did not match what I envisioned in an ideal partner. His urge to protect me, show off his money and be exceptionally courteous comes from early notions of chivalry that have seeped into our understanding of how gender dynamics ought to play out between couples. Nonetheless, countless of these courtly practices have gone way out of fashion.Â
As much as reading old-timey books like the “Betsy-Tacy” series and “Little Women” with my mother when I was growing up made me dream of having a dance card to fill up, or hearing that someone had “come to call” for me, these were just stories. The only mainstream dancing that young people share today is in the sweaty, impersonal spaces of a club; and if a guy was interested in contacting me, there are countless ways to do so other than showing up at my family home. Dating interactions move simultaneously at the lightning speed of social media communication, while snailing along through follow requests, story likes, wordless Snapchat streaks and talking stages that fizzle.Â
I am somewhat nostalgic for the never-experienced dating routine where intentions were made clearer because communication was necessarily more direct. Nonetheless, this dreamy vision of guys “going with” girls is a flawed ideal influenced by overly sentimental musicals, movies and TV shows, which featured plenty of other misogynistic practices as well. This dream also ignores much of the patriarchal structures that modern dating practices rebel against.Â
Agency, for one, is something that women have much more of in our modern dating landscape. The notion of women asking men out first bloomed in Sadie Hawkins dances and continues in Bumble matches today. Modern feminism allows women more freedom to choose how they conduct relationships, taking control back from structures that valued parental and potential suitor’s control. These practices allow women more active roles in their decision-making process, letting them set what they are comfortable with, say no to guys they are not interested in and reach out to potential partners that intrigue them. This undoubtedly promotes fewer male-dominated relationships, too, as women today are taught from an early age how to say no.
Something is lost when we leave notions of chivalry behind completely. There is nothing inherently bad about valuing courage, loyalty, honor and generosity. Despite being a very confident and independent woman, I still like the idea of being taken care of. There is something sweet about anyone opening a door for me, and I will never say no to a date paying for my dinner, especially as things like the wage gap and pink tax still exist.Â
Perhaps chivalry is dead, gone with the knights in shining armor, or perhaps it still lives, just in new ways. If chivalry means being loving and kind, honoring the people you care about in small ways, I am all for it. Believing in chivalry’s redeeming qualities does not mean you submit to its patriarchal, martial origins. Nonetheless, chivalrous acts done out of a blind sense of duty toward honoring century-old traditions ignore the changes that have come since. For one, what does chivalry mean in non-heterosexual couples? Can women be chivalrous? Looking at this issue differently allows us to step away from attaching it to a code that has been outdated for centuries. Chivalry was born out of a call to love God and to love one’s country. Chivalry was always meant to be about love.Â
You should not have to be a man with a horse to express your love. Lose the horse and the gendered expectations altogether. Love is not dead, even if chivalry might be.Â