Listen, being nice is, like, the bare minimum I like in a person. I love when people are kind, open-minded and respect my boundaries, which all fall into that “nice” category. It’s not impossible to find someone who fits these categories, but it’s an unfortunate reality that a few too many people mistake being entitled for being nice. From romantic to platonic, it’s been strange to watch that line become increasingly blurry, and somehow we end up paying the price.
In case you’re unsure what the “nice” guy personality is, it’s basically where people (in this case, men) turn basic human decency into an expectation of favors, like getting your number or even sex. Sounds gross, right? Exactly… and I’m over it.
The “nice guy” trope in the media, for example, has been a long-running phenomenon. Many famous television shows and movies feature male characters seen as “outcasts” or “nerds” who tend not to be the center of female characters’ attention and often misinterpret other characters’ interest in them, even to the point of being rude or unsettling. An article from Study Break describes how deeply ingrained the “nice guy” trope is in entertainment. One of the most famous examples is Ross Gellar from “Friends”, whose interest in Rachel is usually pretty possessive, jealous and pushy. Another example is Leonard from “The Big Bang Theory.” He’s seen as a nerdy and non-threatening character, when in reality he’s a bit of a jerk. Even popular and wholesome entertainment can include such characters. The main antagonist of 2018’s “Love, Simon” even goes to the extreme, threatening Simon with blackmail if he doesn’t get the girl he’s after. I can definitely say it’s not just fictional men who are letting us down.
One of my favorite things I’ve found about “nice guys” is this article from Tropedia that not only gives definitions, but popular media examples of “nice guys” in the media. The deconstruction of how all of these behaviors come into play is fascinating. You wouldn’t think the bare minimum of basic human decency would get you into a mixup, right? Characters like Ted from “How I Met Your Mother” and Rory Williams from “Doctor Who” are perfect examples of this. Their begs for attention and jealousy are hallmarks of the “nice guy” trope. Unfortunately many of these characters—much like real people—are too complex for people to figure out their ulterior motives, unless you’re really paying attention.
When it comes to real people, I acknowledge that sometimes it’s hard to feel like people like you. Confidence doesn’t always pay off, flirting doesn’t always send the right messages and being “fun” and “interesting” doesn’t always strike the right chords.
But here’s the thing: everyone has a different type and different expectations, and using that as an excuse to become rude, demanding and belligerent is completely inappropriate (and makes you less attractive). Let’s be honest—there’s nothing sexy about desperation.
I recently had an experience with someone who fit this exact description. We already knew each other on a purely classroom basis, but a mutual friend set up a trip to the Botanical Gardens as a way for this guy to meet potential dates. The gardens were gorgeous and the company was generally pretty enjoyable, but I guess my casual interest in this guy was misinterpreted. A few days after the date, we texted and agreed to meet up. I guess he was convinced we were going to make out or something, and then had the audacity to be upset when I said no! That’s what I call toxic. No thanks.
How on earth did I end up on the losing end of a situation I didn’t ask for? I couldn’t tell you what happened in his head, but somehow things all went sideways. Deciding to hear only what you want to hear doesn’t make for a solid relationship, nor is the willingness to overstep someone’s boundaries to get what you want. The only grace I can give is that loneliness is a hard thing to get past, but using people you barely know as fodder for your personal coping mechanisms ain’t cute, babe. Being single is, in fact, not the end of the world. If you want to really be attractive to someone, maybe find a way to get through your personal baggage and make room in your heart for something genuine. And take your time! Sometimes good things (and equally good people) walk into your life unexpectedly. Forcing a relationship or any kind of connection only goes poorly. Let it happen, naturally and mutually. And if it doesn’t happen, let it go.
It’s important to watch for this kind of stuff. Red flags are real and I will always say it’s important to trust your gut. This isn’t just about avoiding a date with a d-bag; it’s about safety. If he doesn’t take “no” for an answer, run for the hills. An article from Forbes describes just how common toxic relationships are in the United States. Emotional abuse is one of the most unsettlingly common things people face in the U.S., with a staggering 80% of Americans experiencing it. While things like manipulation and passive-aggressive behaviors are not exclusive to the dating sphere, that number is pretty ugly. One Love Foundation describes the frequency of relationship abuse among teens. One of its scariest statistics is that only 33% of teens even told anyone they were facing a toxic relationship. While it might be easy to overlook, it’s super important to prioritize your safety and wellbeing. If it starts to feel weird or unsafe, trust that feeling and find a way to make your exit.
I’m just saying, if makeouts are in your future, he better ask first!