The cloying scent of pumpkin spice greets me as I step through the bleak gates of hell. Oddly enough, the fact that the devil drinks fall-themed lattes makes a latte sense.
As someone who is not that big a fan of Starbucks, it’s kind of funny that I work there. Honestly, now that I think about it, most of the people I know that work there don’t like it. At this point, I’m wondering if it is a hiring requirement. I guess you could say my grievances lie with the fact that a coffee beverage can run you upwards of seven dollars. I can’t imagine how my ancestors would feel about this if they knew all of the work they put into surviving eventually led to me working in a mega-franchise coffee shop that overcharges their customers by an arm and both legs. Half the time, I ring up a person’s drink and tell them the price and expect them to gasp in shock and cancel their order indignantly, but I’m almost always greeted with a nonchalant face and a card swipe that seems too smooth to be anything but habitual. You caffeine fiends scare me.
That being said, working here has given me the ability to recommend magnificent drinks, ones that are (although still not worth the money) very pleasing to the tastebuds. I have something for everyone, so even if you don’t like coffee, keep reading. I bet you’ll find your new favorite order.
Before I share, it must be noted that you should NOT use the names that I have given the drinks below, just order them how I tell you. I don’t want to make my fellow barista’s lives even harder by sending people in with obscure drink names. That’s what TikTok is for!
Drinks with coffee:
The Tuxedo
It’s basically a black and white mocha, if you have had one. Combine both types of mocha sauces. It’s really simple but surprisingly good. If you like mochas, this is for you.
“Could I please get a mocha with half white mocha and half regular mocha?”
Shaken espresso
Okay, this one isn’t that creative. I mean it’s already a drink, but I don’t think people take enough creative liberty with it. Switch up the syrup that’s in it or the milk. If you are scared to try it because you think the espresso flavor might be too strong for you, try ordering the shots “ristretto” or “blonde.” They will be slightly smoother.
“Could I please get a shaken espresso with blonde shots and toffee nut and oat milk?”
Caramel apple macchiato
In honor of fall (indisputably the best season), you should try this drink. In pursuit of transparency, it is probably going to be very expensive, so you can thank the extra “seasonal drink” charge for that. Anyway, it’s basically a combination of the caramel macchiato and the apple crisp macchiato, because why wouldn’t you? It makes so much sense.
“Could I please get an apple crisp macchiato with caramel drizzle?”
drinks without coffee:
Pumpkin chai
I mean, the name is kind of self-explanatory, so even if you just went up and ordered it like that you’d probably be fine. But if you want to take it to another level, get cold foam and add pumpkin in there.
“Could I please get an iced chai with pumpkin cream cold foam?”
London fog
People really do not give this drink the credit it deserves. It’s basically an earl grey tea with vanilla syrup and milk in it. They work so well together. Thankfully, this one’s already on the menu so you can order it by name.
“Could I please get a London fog tea latte?”
Scooby snack drink
This one has my heart. It’s my favorite drink at Starbucks, and no one knows about it. It might sound odd, but trust me when I say you will not be disappointed. It’s matcha with brown sugar, but the key is to order it with oat milk. There’s just something about that oat milk. It really adds the perfect touch. Oh, and I call it the “Scooby Snack” drink because it literally tastes like a Scooby Snack. Don’t believe me? Try it.
“Could I please get a matcha green tea latte with oat milk and brown sugar syrup?”
Does me recommending these drinks mean that I think they are worth what they cost? Absolutely not. But, if you are going to ignore my general recommendation to avoid Starbucks and invest the mass amounts of money you will consequently save into your own personal espresso machine, then you might as well try the products of my boredom on slow shifts.