Let me begin by saying that I never meant to become the Taylor Swift of college dating advice, but here I am today, bringing you the latest glimpse into the world of college dating. It’s an odd dynamic to be dating in college because sometimes you’ll date people your age, sometimes you’ll date guys older than you, sometimes you date people at the same school and sometimes you date guys who haven’t been to college at all. Regardless of the differences in all the men that I have been on dates with, one thing stands true for all of them: they are just not all that.
Why are they not all that? Because nothing has changed since high school. Well, almost nothing has changed. Now they have their own place so their mom doesn’t see what they are doing every day, but the attitude remains. And, what is a girl to do? You just have to recognize the red flags when they start coming your way.
Here is how to tell if your man is not all that.
1. Half truths
My mom always taught me that you tell the truth and the whole truth when explaining something you did wrong. It was a lesson that has stuck with me to this day when I explain things to people. It is also potentially the reason why I overshare. Regardless, there is no room for half truths in a relationship, especially a new one that requires openness so that trust can begin to grow. And, let’s just be honest, most guys aren’t the best at opening up like this.
The “I didn’t see my ex-girlfriend yesterday.” Or, the “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to dinner. I was busy.” Maybe they didn’t see their ex-girlfriend, but they did text her all day. And yes, he was too busy to attend dinner with you because he had already planned another date with another girl. Is there anything wrong with either of these things occurring? If you aren’t dating exclusively yet, not really. You can’t even be mad about a guy looking at other options if you aren’t exclusive – you probably are, too. The issue is that he lied about it.
So, how do we deal with this? You could always catch him in the act and call him out on it. For this, we may need a refresher on how to be a “mad woman.” You can start by checking his Snapchat score and see how it goes up despite him not getting back to you. Then, you can graduate to having your friends look on a dating website for him. And, maybe after that, your friend can add him on Snapchat and try talking to him to see if he really is talking to other girls. When all of this is done, ask him, politely, what it is all about. And see if he lies. If he does… game on.
2. Differentiating Attitudes
There should never be so much of a character shift that you do not recognize the man you are talking to when he is around his friends. I don’t really care what the reasoning is, but if he acts substantially different around his friends, run away. There’s a good reason for this change in behavior…
On the first few dates, both of you are wearing masks. It’s the honest truth about dating. You are never going to see the real person until at least date five. Even then, there is some margin of error. So, your best bet for getting to see the real him is by being around his friends. It is essential to figure out if this boy is actually a nice guy or acting the part for the time being. Faking it is easy when you only see the person once or twice a week.
3. Talking down to You
In the past, I have been very lenient with this rule, and I really don’t understand why. To begin, if you are validating a guy’s behavior to your friends by saying “he’s joking” or some other excuse, you need to stop. I understand better than anyone that finding a guy to date is hard, but allow me to be frank when I say that you don’t want a man that talks down to you — especially at the beginning of a relationship. If he is talking down to you at the beginning, it is never going to get better.
What are some examples of this behavior? Oh, I am so glad you asked! It may show up as a comment about how you “wouldn’t understand” something because of a variety of factors. A perfect example would be a guy saying, “Oh, you wouldn’t understand because you’re too young.” Yeah, no. If you really are too young to understand something, you are too young for him to be dating you. And, that is the tea!
Another example may be subtle, like him making suggestions to you about school or career plans. Don’t get me wrong, it is great to discuss these things with a partner, but there comes a point in these conversations that it is obvious that the guy is trying to make himself seem smarter than you. My rule of thumb is as follows: if he has to bring me down to build himself up, he isn’t the one.
4. too physical too fast
I am going to rip the band-aid off and just say it: if he can’t just hang out with you without making out or touching you in some way, he doesn’t actually like you. Chances are he is more infatuated with your body than with who you are as a person. Also, he is probably more interested in getting a piece than getting to know you.
With that being said, if he is more interested in “Netflix and chilling” and not so into baking and talking, you may need to start rethinking if this boy is really all that. Furthermore, if he cannot take a hint or understand that you would rather do something other than sit around and cuddle all night, he truly is not worth much, and you shouldn’t waste any more time with him.
5. double standards
The most important determining factor of whether a boy will last is if he has double standards. These double standards always seem to become blatantly obvious when the boy feels like he is in a comfortable situation, such as hanging out and watching a movie. There is a different vibe set forth when you are staying in and watching a movie versus going out to dinner. This scenario will make him feel comfortable in his environment and more likely to say something that he would otherwise never say. Examples can range from the seemingly obvious fact that he should be able to date around while you can’t or the situation where he thinks you should give up your dreams to stay at home while he pursues his. No matter the situation, I love watching boys comment on these things, try to explain their double standards and ultimately just dig themselves further and further into a hole. The best part about it is that I don’t have to do anything except start a conversation about double standards! Truth be told, most conversations like these even end up starting themselves.
A subtle sidenote for this one would be that double standards often come in the form of being controlling or manipulative. One way that this can be shown is when you bring up going out on a weekend. Usually, if the guy is controlling, there will be a guilt trip about how you wouldn’t like it if he went out on a weekend. Another thing to note: if you would be mad about him going out, reevaluate the relationship as a whole because both of you are being controlling, and that is toxic. However, if you are generally very open about communicating with this boy and never getting offended if he goes out, there is no reason that he should have a double standard with you – he is just being controlling. And what do we say to controlling boys? Bye bye.
Starting and maintaining a relationship is hard for everyone, but things become more difficult when there are major red flags and you ignore them. Moral of the story is don’t fall for every guy you meet or even every guy you get along with. Be careful, cautious and remember that he is really not all that.