Gratitude and toxic positivity: A fine line

Many of us have been there: having the worst day, week, month or year of our lives. Every single thing seems to be falling apart. Usually, when I have no idea what to do, I turn to a generally kind and thoughtful friend or family member. And then they tell me to think of all the good things in my life! Just be grateful. 

Although I know they mean well, this advice only makes me feel worse. It makes me feel ungrateful for experiencing any negative feelings when I have so many great things in my life. As a result, I shove the negative feelings down, effectively diminishing any chance of processing them in a healthy way. Instead of dealing with whatever is going wrong in my life, I have now made it so much worse.

Within American society, the sentiment of gratitude has been exploited commercially. On social media, influencers make daily content about “romanticizing their lives” or finding beauty in mundane tasks like getting groceries or going to the gym. Gratitude journals have gained popularity, and many people have added them to their daily routines. And, of course, we cannot ignore the fact that we have an entire holiday built around gratitude. With gratitude so interwoven into our culture, it is no wonder that it has become the go-to response to hardship.

There are benefits to gratitude. It allows us to recognize things that we may often take for granted —  like our families, friends, safety and education. It allows us to appreciate these things on a deeper level, and to express this gratitude to those who we love. Gratitude can also spur us to use the resources we have to help those who are less fortunate. Near Thanksgiving, many schools and workplaces organize canned food drives, and countless people take it upon themselves to donate food or volunteer. So, in this sense, gratitude has a tremendous power and potential for good.

But gratitude can also be twisted into something else entirely: toxic positivity. This is the rigid expectation that we must always be positive and optimistic, to the point of suppressing any feelings that go against this. Toxic positivity is often incredibly well-meaning, whether it is directed toward a loved one or toward ourselves. 

However, no matter the intention behind it, toxic positivity can be incredibly detrimental to our mental health. It often produces increased feelings of guilt or shame for not being “grateful enough.” In turn, it can cause us to internalize our negative feelings. In reality, though, we are simply prolonging any sort of healthy processing of our negative feelings and experiences.

Toxic positivity has been linked to strain on personal relationships, as well as heightened levels of anxiety and depression. For those who experience high levels of toxic positivity, it can create a vicious cycle of suppressing emotions that can be difficult to overcome.

But it is possible to overcome toxic positivity. One valuable way to do this is by learning and understanding the difference between gratitude and toxic positivity. While gratitude can be very valuable, it can easily morph into something harmful. It is incredibly important to be conscious of this, whether we are giving advice to friends or monitoring our own inner monologues. 

We can do this by being intentional to understand how others feel before jumping to conclusions and by realizing that we never know the full extent of what someone else is going through. We can also strive to understand that all feelings are valid, even if someone else has it “worse.” 

There is a balance between appreciating the good in our lives and validating our emotions, and it is possible to find it. By allowing space for both things in our lives this holiday season, we can all help each other to feel more understood.