I always struggled with feeling like I belonged when it came to friend groups. I somehow always felt like I was the odd one out. I never felt like I was able to fit in, and it has taken a toll on my confidence when entering relationships. I don’t normally struggle with making friends and honestly find that meeting new people and starting conversations is enjoyable and fun. But the moment that things start to get personal or the relationship continues, my insecurities creep in. I start to worry about what they think of me, if I am being annoying, or if they don’t actually like me as much as they thought they did. These negative thoughts lead me to withdraw and distance myself from these people. In the long run, it leads me to more anxiety and insecurity about friendships.
This week was one of those weeks. I was lying awake feeling as though all my friends hated me. Rereading every message that I sent and then immediately apologizing for being a burden. Ultimately deciding to just pull away completely and sit in my anxious thoughts. As I lay in bed last night feeling anxious and lonely, I realized that this was all in my head. Although it doesn’t make the feelings any less real, this week was full of beautiful conversations and even the blossoming of a new friendship! I realized that just a week ago I had an interaction with someone whom I think is going to end up being a great friend, and thinking the exact opposite of my negative thoughts.
After a long conversation and heart-to-heart with someone who I had known as an acquaintance before this, I left feeling loved, appreciated, and even walked away feeling like I was not only continuing my amazing friendships, but was on the road to making brand new ones. It is insane that the brain is so powerful that only two days later, I was thinking that the person that I called my best friend hated my guts, when that was the furthest thing from the truth.
I have realized something about insecurities. They are meant to be a protection from harm, to keep you from getting hurt like you did in the past. BUT they also make unnecessary barriers to keep you from reaching your goals simply out of fear of getting hurt. I am so scared of not belonging, of not being loved and being lonely like I have felt in the past, that the moment that I am reminded of how special and beautiful my friendships in the present are, my brain reminds me that getting too close can lead to heart-ache. My brain is trying to protect me, but in the end, it is just hurting me.
So, I woke up today after reminding myself of this fact. Looked back at my week and reflected on the moments that I had with friends. Reminded myself of the laughter, the smiles and heart-to-hearts. Reminded myself of the amazing new friendship that I had started, and that we had come together over writing. I think about one of my closest friends reminding me that the moment that someone does not accept and love every part of me is the moment that they do not need to be in my life, and that most importantly I am WORTHY of said love. So today I am looking forward to the socially distant plans that I have this week, and have told my insecurities that they are just thoughts…not facts.
I have amazing friends who love me fully and know me intimately without judgment. Friendship is something that I should be excited about because it is a special relationship. I have decided to live in these truths today!