Battery-powered people: Understanding energy flow in relationships

Relationships can shift a lot in college. You may come into college believing you are the same person you were in high school, only to grow and realize you have changed. It can be stressful, confusing and exhausting. But having the right people around you helps a lot. Sometimes it is hard to tell who those people are. You may be drawn to people only to realize your relationship with them is not what you expected or needed. Other times, you give and give and give, but realize the other person is not giving back. This rings true for all kinds of relationships: friendships, family, co-workers, classmates and, importantly, romantic partners. 

Sometimes balance is something you forget to prioritize. For example, the saying “I can fix them” is all too common at the outset of relationships, when people begin to notice faults in their partner. When you meet someone interesting and exciting, the urge can be to hold on and “stick it out” no matter what. I have found that these kinds of relationships tend to hurt more than they help. 

A useful frame for relationships is thinking of people as battery-powered.

Everyone has things that bring them joy. Energy can come from passions, hobbies, activities and time with friends. Whether you are a person who likes athletic activities, being outside, reading, cooking, playing music, writing or any number of things, you will tend to gravitate toward the things in your life that give you energy. These are positive charges in your life.

Conversely, there are things in life that can drain you. There are lots of tasks in life that are necessary but exhausting. Perhaps you are in a required class that you do not like, maybe you do not like to cook, or clean or exercise, but know that these are things that are necessary and good for you. These are negative charges, which reduce your energy.

Both positive and negative charges are necessary in life for balance. Everyone has things that they enjoy, and everyone has things they cannot avoid that bring them down. Thinking otherwise can lead to toxic positivity or, on the other end of the spectrum, a negative disposition. It is good to balance your day-to-day life with positive and negative charges. Doing only draining things will leave you with no energy to even attempt the positives. Doing only positive things leaves the negatives to pile up. 

People inhabit the same functions as positive and negative charges in our lives.

There are people in your life who bring you joy and people who will bring you down. Having positive charges around you makes it so much easier to go through tough times, as they can be the additional charge you need in those moments. Surround yourself with positive people as much as you can, knowing that there will be necessary interactions with annoying classmates, difficult teachers, frustrating relatives, bothersome coworkers and the list goes on. 

You need to recognize what kind of energy balance there is when you are building a friendship. If you find that you are always giving your energy to someone without them reciprocating, you will have no energy left for yourself. If you leave interactions with friends or partners feeling more tired than when you entered them, maybe you need to reconsider how much energy you are giving the person. It is okay to recognize that someone is taking away too much from you. That does not mean you have to cut ties or end the relationship, but being aware of this is necessary to see relationships realistically. Noticing how energy moves between you will create a strong foundation for a good relationship. 

The healthiest relationships have a balanced exchange of energy. When you feel low, your friend can give you energy, and you can do the same for them when the feelings are reversed. They can handle it if you sometimes do not have the best energy to give them one day because you have consistently given them positive energy in the past. It is all about balance. Do not stick in relationships where you just give, give, give away energy, because then you will have none left for yourself. You also must be mindful of when you are an energy vacuum. One-sided relationships will end. If you find yourself just taking from a friend and they start to slip away, you may need to reconsider the energy you give them.

These energy exchanges are super important in romantic relationships. If you find yourself obsessing over someone who will not give you the time of day, or if you are always the person who reaches out, this is not a balanced relationship. Similarly, if you find yourself dreading calls or interactions, being irritated by how needy the other person is or any other amount of lowered excitement to talk to them, maybe this person is not someone you should stay with. You want the person you love to be as loving and excited to be with you as you are with them. Finding a common spark is essential to having long-term balance. 

The best relationships will grow from relationships where both parties give the same frequency of energy to one another. You need to be able to adjust for low times, high times and everything in between. When you find you are vibing at the same wavelength consistently, you know you have a good friend, partner or other relationship. Do not take those relationships for granted and enjoy every moment.

• #relationships
• balance
• college friendships
• energy